47th Ave and Sandy Blvd. (or Puke on the Ferret.)

I was drinking with my girlfriend

and her neighbors

-they had just married

and their friend was there

-this goofy fat guy who smoked weed and juggled two sons

and the new life of

a bachelor and a swinger and

he was stumbling

at it

but he had started us off

with this blackberry Schnapps type

shit

then we worked our way into the

vodka and

tequila

and the beer

in between

bong hits of hash

I had just met back

up with the girl after two months

of not seeing her

just because it happened

that way

but now I was back again

this time in Portland, Oregon

and we sat on the steps and drank

the Vodka Sevens

while the hash worked it’s way

through my blood

and made me crave

stronger things

but the bachelor with

the belly

only had the hash

so I stuck with the drinks

and I’d stuck with the girl

because or in spite of

her attitude toward me

which on the whole

was indifferent

but I drank there and thought

about her body

and her words didn’t matter

all that seriously at that point

and when these hippie chicks

showed up

I was obliterated

and one of them was 45 and hot

for me

the other was 29 and

this absolute

cunt of a filthy bitch

I mean dirty

completely busted in half and

wrecked with her bad ideas

after a few men had taken away her

identity and broken her

but she was still a dirty bitch and

my guess was

she was always like that

and she and her hippie friend

were already loaded

and it was growing slowly toward

a night of hostility

after the bottle of Absolut was

close to empty

and the younger hippie started words

with the man of the house and

he’s a New Yorker

and like most New Yorkers

he told her

to suck his dick

and she disappeared

down the street

with the bachelor

and it was clear

that she was not only

his balls-holder

but his connection

and the older hippie left

soon after

but she slipped me her

number on her way down the steps

and my girlfriend

grabbed the piece of paper from me

and shoved it in her pocket

and I laughed because

when she was drunk

she wasn’t so indifferent

and it occurred to me

she mostly fucked

me when she was drunk

and I drank my drink

and poured her a

nice

powerful

Wild Turkey and Coke

and counted

on

one hand

how many times

we had fucked

while she was

sober

and

I shook my head

because I only had to use

three fingers

and I started to seriously question the

relationship

then I remembered

I really didn’t give a shit

one way or the other

even if at times I liked to act like it

but I’ve

been down that road more

than I should have

and she

doesn’t care much

though at times I feel she’s

actually colder than I am

and that by itself

is insane

and with the older hippie

gone

my girlfriend started pouring shots and the

New Yorker took his wife to

bed and I grabbed my dog from the

van and made it into my

girlfriend’s room

and

I was loud and she was

naked across the bed

and I looked down at

her pussy

and there was nothing else

and she pulled me up to her

face and smiled

and it was the most

incredible smile

I had ever seen and

for that moment in time

I was in love with her

and her hair was dark blonde

dirt and it

was long

and stretched behind and

above her brow

and I jumped on

while her mother slept in the next room

with her boyfriend

we hated each other

the mother hated me

the boyfriend hated me

and I hated them

but we had always

been civil to each other

but there was never a mistake

in the air around us

there was no respect

shared

there

because her mother was a Christian

who had a pet ferret and

who prayed along with

religious programs on television

and her boyfriend was wrapped around

her insipid and

blind finger

and I was 31 years old with no

future

and no ambition and no beliefs

and I was

having my girl

in and out, gripping

those strong and beautiful

white legs

and thighs

and firm young

ass cheeks

her big perfect

tits

and those

eyes

all of it came together

and I kept placing her

little beagle off the bed and it would

jump back up

and my dog would growl at her dog

and I would set the pup

back on the floor

but I wasn’t distracted

or irritated by it

the night was

rolling out and

she was under me

and I was inside of her

and her hair was

beginning to sweat

and I watched

her eyebrows fill

with sweat and her forehead

was sweating and

and she moved and

moaned

and I held back

from shooting into

her or onto her

because I wanted the

night to be

perpetual

then

out of nowhere

she bucked me off

and shot out the door

where she stopped on all fours

in the hallway and her pussy was

slightly opened

and she gripped the ferret cage and

puked

down on the ferret

and the little fucker

was darting back and forth

into the walls of the

cage trying

to avoid the puke

but she covered him

with it

and I heard her mother’s

door open

so I reached in

the room and

grabbed the blanket

and threw it across

her back

and when she saw her mother

she made this lunge on

from all fours

into her room

and I closed the door

and she was on her

side

and I tried to

put it back in

until

her mother

started knocking:

SWEETY, SWEETY? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? OPEN THE DOOR!

and I thought, oh Jesus, please take that woman out of his house

so I can nurture her daughter

back to fuckable health

but she kept knocking and

trying the knob and

her boyfriend woke up

and they kicked me out

and I drove home so drunk

that the streetsigns

and stoplights

and

walkers and drivers and cops

were one sickening liquid pulse

all around me

and I made it home

and got myself off

and spun to sleep

where I was swimming

the blue waters

off the coast of Spain,

the Castillon night so bright

it was like dark noon

and I was nude and my girlfriend

wasn’t but I somehow fucked her

underwater

and she breathed in a whirlpool

and it went into her throat

and swirling around the

whirlpool

were miniature crosses

and dragons and pink and

orange and chartreuse

sea horses and

small hands of time and

she when she exhaled

I smelled cigarettes

and something

frying

and I woke up

earlier than I thought I would

and drove out for coffee and

when I called her she sounded happy

that I’d called

and I could tell she

was still drunk

from last night

and

hadn’t remembered a

goddamned thing about it

I picked her up to

take her to her first

day of work

waiting tables

at a small and dark

bar and grill

just down the street

and around

the corner

from where I was

living

it was early

in the morning

and I felt awake

but maybe still

drunk

and her street

looked smaller and

less alive than

it did last night

and she walked down

the steps and jumped in

I offered to

buy her breakfast

but

she said she was

too upset

with her mother

I asked her

how it went this

morning

and she said her mother was a little short with

her and I laughed

and she told me

that her mother

was pissed

at her because she

had puked

on the ferret

and I laughed again

and she laughed

I dropped her off

at work

and went to

my place and walked

upstairs

and fell asleep

and it

was good

there were no dreams

of Spain,

no thoughts of

sex,

no worrying

over anything

and when I woke up

I walked out on the porch

and saw her walking up the street

on her lunch break

and she walked up

on the porch and said

I’m still drunk, give me a cigarette

and I lit her up and we smoked and

dealt with our heads

and I walked her back to work

then I headed across the street

and bought her some

aspirin and a bottle

of water

and stepped into

the bar and handed them

to her

and she told me

I was the best

and I thought

remember that

the next time

and I walked home and

thought about it

-I thought about her

naked on all fours

puking on the ferret

and I was proud of her

and when she

got off of work

I drove her back

to her place and we

picked up her

puppy

and went back to

my place

and laid

on my bed

and she was

unusually friendly and

close all day

and when she slept I took

the beagle out front

so it could piss

and shit

and I wondered why

I was so

nice to this girl when

she was basically

unresponsive toward me

but there was something

in her eyes

that had

me

and something

in her face

that had

me

and something about her

mind

that had me

and the next

night she was

as unresponsive

as ever

so I told her

I was backing off

and that

I’d decided to head

south for the winter

she didn’t know what

to say

so she didn’t say anything

and that was one of the things

I liked about her

and I took her out for coffee

and we sat outside

and she appeared to

be hurt

but I was

already exhausted

by her

apathy and her hardness

and she started crying

and told me that it was

probably better for both of us

that I was leaving

and I laughed

and she stopped crying

and I dropped her off

and went upstairs and

packed my things.

Portland.

A ferret covered in puke.

A failed writer.

And a woman who thinks

she’s met true pain.

I can live without

any of it.