Bob

Today we are burying Bob for the third time.

That stupid son of a bitch just won't stay dead!

First I shot him, then I pushed him off the cliff. Finally I cut his head clean off with my ax to make sure his ass stays dead this time.

What do you know?! The next morning I wake up to the sight of that old boy walking down the road with no head! Scared the shit out my old woman.

I was more pissed than anything else. That boy owed me near a hundred dollars and he ain't paid a cent of it!

Now I'm sure you must think I'm mean and spiteful like a snake, but I was real gentlemanly about it at first. Every damn time I would ask "Bob, have you got my money yet?" He'd always say "Not yet Kevin, but I will soon". After three months I had to ask him what his definition of soon is, 'cus mine sure as hell ain't three months.

"Things have been hard lately. I'm barely scraping by even with your loan. Just give me some more time," he begged.

I'm on hard times myself which is why I needed my damn money, but I'm not heartless like the whole neighborhood thinks I am. So I compromised with him. "Now Bob," I says real polite like, "I know times are tough, so how's about you pay me whatever you can now and you can pay the rest once you've gotten back on your feet?".

"Alright Kevin. How's about I pay you tomorrow?"

"Sure Bob," I smiled and shook his hand real friendly like.

So I'm there the next day same place and time, but Bob doesn't show up! I waited near three hours for his ass. So I decided to find him myself.

And what do you know?! I found Bob, but not just Bob. I found three gals and a whole lot of cocaine with him.

"Damn it Bob!" I yelled. "I gave you that money to help you get back on your feet, and now you're blowing it all on CRACK AND WHORES?!?!?!!"

Bob did a line off of one of the gal's ass's and looked at me solemnly. "Kevin," he says "They're crack whores. There's a difference,".

"I DON'T GIVE A GOOD GOD DAMN WHAT THEY ARE! GIVE ME MY MONEY! NOW!"

"Now is the time where I should be assuring you that I'll give you your money, but fuck it. I did spend it all on these crack whores."

I'd had enough of Bob's shit at this point. I drew out my gun and shot him right between the eyes. The crack turned pink with his blood. The women all stared at me for a moment, then went back to doing crack.

Well, there must have been some magic in that old crack pipe he smoked, because the next morning I saw him while I was walking to work. Other than the bullet in his head, he looked completely fine.

"Hi Kevin!" He said as he smiled and waved at me.

I was shook!

"B-but I killed you Bob," I stammered.

"Hey Kevin, I need about $3.50,".

"You'll get nothing and like it!" I yelled as I shoved him off the cliff. I heard his body go SPLAT as he hit the ground.

The same thing happened the next day, only this time I had my ax with me.

He was all flattened out like a ho cake.

"Hey Kevin! I need about $3.50," he asked.

"I don't have no $3.50!" I yelled as I chopped his head off.

Thinking for sure he was dead this time, my old lady and I decided to go out and celebrate. It was a hell of a night I'll tell you what! But the next morning I woke up to her screaming "Oh sweet Jesus it's Bob!!!!!!!!!".

And sure enough, there he was. No head or nothing, just walking down the streets.

I heard a voice whisper "Hey Kevin, can you spare $3.50?"

I looked down and saw Bob's head staring up at me.

"GOD DAMN IT BOB! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KILL YOU FOR YOU TO STAY DEAD?!?!?!?!" I yelled as I kicked his head away like a dang old soccer ball.

Now I have no idea what to do. Shooting him don't work, pushing him don't work, and cutting his head off sure don't work. If only there was a way to-

"Hey you, reading this. Can I borrow $3.50?".