Real life

Sitting with my back against a tall oak tree, upon an ancient and twisted pile of roots, I am looking out into a valley from a cliff at the edge of an old forest. In the valley below, a river runs in a horseshoe bend, snaking through the geology, nurturing the wildlife and flora around it. It’s here, that I can see far into the future, as images paint themselves upon the canvas of the river and the open sky. The clouds make way for visions depicting the answers to the questions I ask the earth.

Bird fly around, the sun shines and the only sound I hear is the wind blowing gently through the trees. I’m deeply connected to the earth, to all the life around me, feeling no separation from the other beings as cosmic energy ripples through us all.

But I’m not there. I’m sitting at my desk at work, in an office full of silently typing co-workers, sitting at cubicles. Occasionally they speak to one another, one smirks, the other shakes their head, but they never stop typing. The phone rings, and I’m taken aback by how rude my coworker can be to a stranger asking a simple question.

“It’s not my fault they’re stupid,” she says.

Something inside my stomach tightens. My boss clears his throat, making me jump in my seat. My anxiety is strong, and I’m drink coffee, which doesn’t help. It’s intended to make me work harder, but the distractions are taking over.

I’m standing in a meeting to pitch the news stories I will pursue that day, when a shimmering blue portal opens up to the side of the room.

“Is this really happening right now?” I’m thinking to myself.

Back at my computer, the Internet browser has slowed to a crawl, bumping up my anxiety. “I so don’t want to be here right now. I hate this job. This work sucks,” I’m thinking to myself, stuck in a negative feedback loop, making my body feel like it’s weeping. Suddenly, my computer shuts down.

I can’t help but burst out laughing! Thank you, I tell the universe. I needed that!

Pretending to be upset by the setback, I fight to get my computer back up and running, when the office manager arrives to let us know the main server needs to be switched off because the entire system has gone screwy. I’m overjoyed.

The deeper I’m pushed into the corporate world, the harder I’m pulled into the spiritual. Living in the city may have been the best thing for me spiritual, in an ironic sort of way. To escape from mergers and acquisitions, bankruptcies, layoffs, annual revenue growth percentages and employee headcounts, I’ve turned to meditation, energy healing, psychic readings, calling upon spirit guides, receiving divine messages, prayer, and books.

I hadn’t read a book in years until recently. One day I purchased several books from Amazon, realizing I would read subjects that interested me. My burning desire to become a shaman pressed on my brain, egging me to soak up all the information I could about different types of shamanism, methods, healing treatments, plant knowledge, animal spirits and journeying. The stack of books beside my bed keeps growing, and so does the pile of sage ash by the pheasant feathers.

Laughing with my husband and the dog, flinging socks around the living room, having tickle fights and ‘pants-ing’ the dog are a constant reminder of the balance I have to strike between corporate life as a business journalist and spiritual life as a healer and counselor. It’s about joy.

I once heard Abraham Hicks say in a YouTube video, “Do only want you want to do.”

I’ve carried that phrase around in the back of my mind, and it echoes out whenever I am forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do. Clearly, it doesn’t mean don’t do the dishes if you don’t feel like it, or don’t call your friend if you don’t feel like talking today. While that may be part of it, it’s a much deeper reminder.

Don’t do what doesn’t resonate with your soul. If you find yourself forcing yourself to do projects that bore you, working with people who frustrate you or bring you down, eating food you dislike that makes you sick; stop. There’s a reason you’re not happy. What is it? You always already know the answer.

Beating yourself up for being unhappy is like scolding a dog for showing his teeth. He snarls to tell you he’s feeling scared. Being unhappy is a reaction to the discord between your soul and the life you are leading.

The difference between a job and a calling are humongous.