Welcome to the Afterlife

“Welcome to the afterlife.” The grinning woman says to me as I opened my eyes. “How may I help you today?”

“What, you are you?” I say looking around. I’m sitting in a squeaky wooden chair in a room with tan colored walls. “Where am I?”

The woman sighs. “Let me guess another surprise death.” She types on a laptop with llama stickers on the back of her screen. “Yep, defiantly surprised. Cardiac arrest, you never saw it coming.”

“But I’m only 23.” I lean forward. “I was in the grocery store.”

She sighs. “You had an unknown heart defect since you were born. These things happen. Sorry dear.”

“But I’m getting married next month.”

She shrugs. “And your funeral is tomorrow. What’s your point?” She sighs. “Listen, I’m sorry. But I have a lot of new entrants I have to process. You need to decide.”

“Decide?” I say. “Decide what?”

“Where you want to go?” She types. “According to this you have three options. You can go to heaven…popular choice but boring. You can be reincarnated as a bird. I recommend a cassowary. Sorry, not enough Karma points to go back as a human. Or…”. She stops and her eyes go wide. “You have the option to become a reaper.”

“A reaper. Like be a skeleton with a scythe.”

She laughs. “My fat ass is defiantly not a skeleton.”

“You’re a reaper?”

She nods her head. “Let me tell you it’s not all fun and games. We process the new souls and send them where they need to go. Despite what Fox News tells you most people are the good sort and go straight to heaven. Sending people to hell is actually easier because only the baddie bads go there. Rapist, murders, wall street brokers… you know the scum of society.”

“Why am I allowed to be a reaper? What’s the criteria?”

“Let me see.” She smiles and types. “According to this when you were ten..you pushed a little boy out of the way of a passing car. You broke both of your legs..”

I frown. “I remember that. I was in the hospital for a long time but he was fine.”

“Right.” She says. “Only those who risk their own lives for others know the value of life. The choice is yours but you have to make it quickly. If you decide on being a reaper and change your mind you can alway do either of the other options.”

I stop to think. “So consequences for quitting.”

“None what so ever. It will give you something to do. How about a trial run?”

I stop to think. “Ok. I’ll try a trial run.”

She claps her hands happily. “Excellent. Good luck.” She snaps her fingers.

I am suddenly on the other side of the desk. A pink laptop is in front of me. I look at the back of the screen and theres a picture of a cassowary.

“Who are you? Where am I?” A voice says.

I look at the young man sitting on the chair in front of me. I smile and using my best customer service voice. “Welcome to the afterlife. How may I help you today?”