Aftermaths of death

I sat at my desk with my head in my hands, trying to study the laws of conservation of momentum in my physics text book. The mid-terms were on the horizon and I was barely prepared. Each time I tried to focus, my mind drifted to the sound of laughter and chatter between my mother and her boyfriend in the room next door. I was angry and disgusted at my mother’s insolence.

“How could she do this? It’s just been six months since dad left!” I thought to myself.

An array of dreadful scenarios played in my head. Does this mean she will marry him? If that happens, will Dad ever hang out with us? We will never be a family again. What if dad finds a girlfriend too? What if they move away? My teenage mind was filled with uncertainty and a heavy feeling of hopelessness.

I broke down into tears just like I’ve been doing since dad left.

“Okay back to physics!” I told myself as I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt. If I did not get an A+, mom would resent me even more! I rubbed my eyes and looked at the physics equations again…m1u1 +m2u2 = m1V1…My eyes lumbered to a picture of me and dad on the book shelf. It was taken last summer, the day we set up a new baby pool for my sister. I remember Dad chasing me around the inflatable pool, mom and Cindy joined in too. Thinking about our idyllic days as a family made me smile briefly then the ashen clouds of reality set in.

I grabbed my cell phone and called my dad. I had missed him so much. But he did not answer. He texted back that he was busy. I began sobbing.

My face had puffed up from the incessant crying and lack of sleep. I tottered to the bathroom in the hallway to wash my face but my mom’s medicine cabinet caught my eye.

There were all sorts of pills in there, from pain meds to antidepressants.

“What if I take these together?” I thought to myself as I felt weary of my parents’ separation and the looming exams. My life was in shreds. I was tired of the plaintive conservations with my parents and friends. It was the day after we set up the pool. I was supposed to watch my two year old baby sister but instead I hung out in my room. She wondered alone to the pool and drowned. Dad never blamed me but he began drinking. My parents fought all the time, sometimes you would even see pots and pans flying in every direction. My mother carefully covered those bruises with makeup every time she stepped out. And one day, dad just left.

Why didn’t I pay attention to my sister? Only if I did, she would still be alive and none of this would happen. I blamed myself. The anguish just made it easier to embrace death.

I poured all the pills in my hand and swallowed them. There was a painful knot in my stomach as I felt drowsy and hit the floor.

I opened my eyes to beeping sounds, tubes coming out of my nose and people in scrubs running all over the place. Mom and dad were there, sitting next to me and holding my hand. They looked scared and sad.

“I’m so sorry honey, I wish I saw what you were going through” My mom said, as she tearfully stroked my hair.

“You know you died for five whole minutes? I was so scared they couldn’t bring you back. I’m so sorry I did not answer that call Megan.” My dad said as he wiped his tears.

Mom laid her head on dad’s shoulders and began crying.

“I’m not ready to lose another one, I can’t go through this again!” she said.

Growing up, the idea of seeing heaven or hell after death fascinated me. But when I experienced it myself, I realized that there was nothing after death, just infinite darkness where your soul is suspended onto nothingness. You see nothing, feel nothing, and hear nothing. Although afterlife may not be as dramatic it surely has a dramatic effect on the people around you. After death, you may not feel pain, but your loved ones will surely do. Waking up from death brought me to a different world where my broken family was mended again, where my past was forgiven and my present treasured.