I’m a Perfect Patron Saint

When people hear about my faith in normal conversations,

You will find there comes to mind a set of expectations.

My church has lots of rules to heed they say will make life better

I've tried real hard to follow these instructions to the letter.

I'll tell you now, I like my church (and most of the people in it)

I want to go to heaven and have tried my best to win it.

Don't smoke, don't drink, don't disobey, don't date 'til you're sixteen.

Despite my pure facade, I'm not as perfect as I seem.

I drink Coke and Mountain Dew, which makes me look unseemly,

I swear a lot (inside my mind) and masturbate routinely.

Apart from that, my music taste, and homosexuality,

I'm a perfect patron saint of unquestionable morality.