Suicide note.

I’m gonna miss you. Maybe I already do. You’re already gone. So what will it matter when I leave? I think about your smile. I see it always. I see that first smile. Sitting with you, in your car. I didn’t know I was sitting with my future, I just knew you were so fucking beautiful. That laugh. Those big, beautiful eyes. Fixed on only me. You could see my heart. I hadn’t had a reason to smile in so long. Feeling like I lost myself, I felt found in your eyes. I wanted to kiss you. Put those soft lips on mine, and feel real love. I knew it was there. I knew you were the answer. I knew it. I think you could see that I felt that. Two lost souls. Found. Finally. When I think about that moment, it’s hard to ignore how beautiful that is. Not worrying about the future, or the effect on the present. We only existed in those laughs, in those smiles. You were just so damn beautiful.

And now. The question is different. So I can’t possibly be your answer. But I am the problem. I hear you fight. And defend. And run from me. I feel you leave. I don’t hear your laugh or see you smile. And I feel so guilty. Responsible. Would you be better with me gone, I wonder constantly. Would you be happier? How quickly would you find another reason to smile? How quickly would I be erased? I listen to you say you’re overwhelmed. That the weight of your life is just too heavy. Oh baby, if you only knew. I built a home there. I lived there, I died there. I understand. I tell you how that makes me feel, and it just seems as though I’m not listening. I hear you. I just want to help, but come up short. I ask you for answers. And you have nothing. That’s what you give me. Nothing. I beg. And plead. Let me help you. Sit down, right here, next to me. And agree to not walk away until we know the end. Know the way.

But you fight. You push. You run. And so does my mind. It runs wild. But never free. It gets away from me, when you tell me how unhappy you are. And I can’t find it, for what seems like forever. You are the only way I know to get back to myself. And it feels as though you’re gone. If that’s true, then I am too. I mean well. I do. I want to grab your hand. And run with you. Away from what hurts you and scares you. I feel and live and breathe these words. But do they even teach you? Do you see what you have? All of me, is all of yours. I have driven you away. Maybe not all my fault. But I paid for some of the gas.

So I wonder. Would you miss me? Would it hurt? This road leads to the end of us. The end of me. Maybe you don’t see it that way. But it is the truth. I’d go through hell to help you, to keep you. When you create distance, that’s where I live. Where I die. Is this over dramatic? Maybe. But is it true? Definitely.

I love you more than you will ever know. With all of my body. My mind. My past and my future. Everything I am. Knows. I belong with you. But it’s slipping away. Help me save it.

These are the words I will leave behind. Maybe the hole I create in you will help you see what you can mean to someone. What you meant to me. I loved you with everything I could. I just wish that was enough. Maybe I’d still be here.