None today

{Sometimes you are never sure of your place. Sometimes things are not what they seem. Often, you are left wondering about who really is, running your life.

A younger me, was hopeful; sad with a dash of unrealistic self-confidence. I believed in all the good that no longer exists in the world and I used to think, dream even of how I would be in the future. The world was not quite filled with brightly lit rainbows, but you could see through the grey sky. The sun still fought its way through. I want to say that an oxymoron would explain what I have spent ages trying to get across.

That would not be the best definition.

What is the defining moment here?

It is understanding that you were never more than a fraud. That time when dreams were still fathomable, that time was a lie that should have been forced upon me so much sooner than it was.}

Thinking was never easy, that can be especially stated about this afternoon. Any other person on any given day would be bored to tears and I can’t seem to stop the flood of tears that wants to over take my eyes. Pouring out the facts of my existence only to be lost upon cloth with no more meaning than the tears themselves. If I could give them meaning I would do my best, though they would feel about what I choose for them, the same as I do about the giving. Hopeless.

For no matter how hard I have tried, or how many times the result is still the same. Insanity, I do believe is defined by such a state. Continuing over and over again, going down the same path yet always expecting a different result. When do you accept the result in question. Or when do you learn that there is no coming back from this rat wheel cycle that turns faster and faster more until, the wheel keeps spinning though you have long since fallen out. I feel as if this time getting back up, stopping the spinning trap of life and trying again, would be the end of me. This time feels like all the other times, except this time coming back isn’t all it is cracked up to be. This time coming back means losing it all. The dilemma we get to face here ladies in gents is this. Do we let life take us away or take on the responsibility, be the defenders of our own fate and take ourselves away. Which can we say is less painful.

A younger me would fight, all younger ones would, or at least they would try, battle suits on and swords held high. Me now wants nothing more than to lay down and die.