There is no point in faking: a retrospective

Picture me, a caricature of temperamental failure. Young and consumed by the R, G and B

The dull hum of my Asus netbook being the closest thing I have to a loving girl’s voice.

So as I sit cross legged on my Patriots blank which nearly lay on my bed I come to the realization that I am lonely.

Why could this be? I had that one girl- oh but she had only a crush.

It seemed so unhealthy to be driven by this desire to find someone who would enjoy me. Someone who could look at me and see the wonder in how high my gamer-score was.

So I talked to my mom about it and she expectedly told my father.

My father seemed to think that all the time I spent in my room was why I was unhappy.

I knew that this solitude was almost definitely a reaction to him and stirrings of my home life.

He seemed to think that by breaking out of my self built prison I would metamorphose into something deemed as worthy.

It seemed possible. In retrospect it wasn’t.

Up to this point I had enveloped myself in the things that made me unattractive, sure, but the risk of faking felt much more destructive.

Though after long consideration and manipulation from him I decided I’d reinvent.

The things that illuminated my eyes became things to tuck away and mask.

So as I entered 7th grade I carefully laid out my flaws, as I saw them, and flipped them over whatever axis has been deemed standard.

That was probably not a good thing, in retrospect.

I looked like a fool.

I now believe that everyone understood the fakery of a small fat kid with glasses and an absurd sense of humor wearing a snowboard brand hoodie with a DC hat.

About the time 8th grade rolled around I had cemented my place and my friend group.

They enjoyed being around me and I was labelled “funny” for the first time.

Within the same year my father left for the umpteenth time and the blood started flowing in my family again.

Those layers of papier-mâché started beading off.

I was back to “pretty much myself”

I was still shy and nerdy and obsessed but I accepted it.

It’s impossible to wear that facade forever.

As I have grown I have realized how integral video games, art and science fiction have become to my sense of self.

If I am ever lucky enough to see my child through high school it will be my duty to foster their self acceptance.