chapter one: leaving

we wake in a dark room

i tell you how the thought

of moving shatters my bones

you laugh with an ease

i envy and cherish and hate

get up it’s just another day

that’s the problem

i’m alone i know that i’m not crazy

i only talk to myself sometimes

when there’s no other way

of getting my body out

of a bed or a hole

i dug all on my own

it’s silent so i imagine

everyone has left

it’s a dream to have

a home filled without

the help of strangers

coffee

i need coffee

but first

i need to stand

my phone is saying it’s time to rise

the sun is creeping and helps nothing

mornings are growing colder every day

i trip on the idea there’s anything

i can do to stop it

i stumble over everything else

just to switch on the light

to catch a glimpse of skin

in the mirror paling peeling

off like i don’t need it anymore

like i can stay warm if i just keep moving

i’m going to quit

it’s just my job

it’s just what i do

can’t afford a cab

still i quit

a phone call before anyone gets in

i’m not able to come in today

or tomorrow i’m afraid

i gave it a shot

and i have no intention

of ever seeing you again

the light is still on

but maybe if i close my eyes

for long enough i’ll fall back asleep

nothing

wide awake

anxiously awaiting

reactions

20 minutes later

missed call mom

she can’t possibly

know already

no response

i’m gone

shining and shaking because

i’m finally dressing layering

turning the screen black

burying it beneath keys

pens bread what’ll keep me

going today and tomorrow surely

there will be one here or there my eyes

open no matter how many times i ask them

to say sealed as my lips

will i ever want to tune back in

no

i’ll only want to keep walking

once i start

as long as i’m warm enough

on course

to be going nowhere exactly

what i love