A Kaleidoscope of Broken Clam and Mussel Shells (A personal essay)

I drove to Fort Bragg today; I decided to visit the beaches. Not only did I go by myself, but I also climbed all over the slippery rocks and didn’t even fall once. You would’ve been proud. As I watched the waves beat against the rocks relentlessly; I was captivated by the present moment of my surroundings. And for a moment, there was nothing but the sea and myself. However, it didn’t last long before memories flooded my mind; memories as relentless as the waves I watched. They were of you and I in better times, and felt as real as the sharp ocean winds whipping my face. I couldn’t help but talk to you as if you were right next to me, seeing what I saw. I have a bad habit of talking to you still, even though we’ve broken up and the you I am speaking to is just a memory. For whatever reason, I thought that I could escape the imaginary conversations by going to the ocean, but I was wrong. So here I am, wondering why it is that I am still obsessing over you.

The first beach I visited was named glass beach, but, despite it's name, it contained very little glass. Instead, it was covered with shattered clam and mussel shells. For whatever reason, I thought the beach would be like a kaleidoscope of fragmented, colorful glass. Instead, I was staring at the dullness of sedimentary rock and sad grey pebbles that littered the ground as I had imagined the glass would have. The only interesting aspect that broke up the monotony was the scattered remains of clams and mussels around me. Every few inches there would be another shell, either split open or shattered into pieces. I was sad, looking at this gloomy gravesite of things that were. Why did I think that it would be beautiful? I always hope for the best, and I’m always met with disappointment. In a lot of ways, this kaleidoscope of broken clam and mussel shells represented the reality of what happens when one hopes and dreams. I had hoped and dreamed that you were the one for me, and instead, you dropped me like how seagulls drop their meals. I shattered upon impact and you devoured my essence before leaving me to die alone amomgst the graveyard of broken dreams.

Walking along this depressing scenery, I noticed the cold ocean breeze cut through my very core, and it could because I left my jacket unzipped and open. I didn’t feel cold, strangely enough, I felt soothed. Usually, I’m the one to complain about any form of air conditioning or slight breeze, and claiming that I’ll freeze to death; not this time. The loud cacophony of a restless ocean had forced me to remove the headphones I had been wearing. I couldn’t block out the sounds of an incredibly powerful and awesome force of nature. Even you, with your excellent tuning out skills, couldn't have. Maybe if my voice had the same power, you would have listened more.

I watched as the grey-blue water broke into a thousand white pieces as it hit the unresponsive rock. It looked familiar, in a way. The sound of waves was deafening as currents flooded the inlet with a frenzied fury of white foam and ridges of water. I stared down at the chaotic sea, and I felt a peaceful contentment wash over me like the water washing over the rocks. I had found a kindred spirit. The ocean reflected the rage and pain I felt as I tried to break your walls down. I watched as the unforgiving sea just kept beating the shore with a massive amount of power, as if trying to make the cliffs succumb to it. The waves, failing to do so, instead rushed their way as far as they could into the cliff’s nooks and beaches. It was as if the ocean was trying to grasp at anything it could as it reached further into shore desperately. But even the furthest reaching ripples couldn’t influence anything except the soft first layer of sand. But even then, the sand just came right back, and the waves had to start all over again.

It was pointless, but I understood the desperation behind it, and that’s why I still talk to you. I am just like the ocean, constantly trying to change what I cannot change. Instead of beating against solid rock, I’m beating my sanity senseless. It’s never-ending. I watched these waves for hours, looking for an answer. Talking to an imaginary person in my head, I didn’t even notice that while the ocean failed to change the shore, I had failed to change anything either. Thinking about you this entire time changed nothing. But then, I noticed the tide pools.

Tiny pockets of ocean had finally found the peace it had been searching for. It had found the harmony it so desired with land and inside grew an incredibly dense collection of life. It was unlike the chaos just 30 feet away. Sure, it was temporary. Soon, the tide would rise and it would be just as chaotic again. However, the tide would also fall again, and the pools would have peace once more. If the ocean could find small pockets of peace, maybe I could, too.

And just for a moment, there was silence in my head. I just let the sound of waves echo in my head. I took a deep breathe, and focued on the ripples in the tide pools.