Interview with an Elf

It took me quite a while to get ahold of Jeopardy the head elf. You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through in order to get this interview. I am lucky to be alive since it took me almost an entire year to get to Santa’s Village, a flight I was told was only supposed to take me a mere couple of months. It was there at this magical place, Santa’s Home where I got the privilege of meeting up with the all mighty Jeopardy, the little blue elf that was patiently waiting for my arrival. I was anxious as anyone would be given the situation and circumstances.

My entire life I was lead to believe that Elves and Santa were a commercialized fictional ploy to sale toys and gifts once per year. But low and behold I was proven wrong on this adventure. I still can’t believe that I met not only The real genuine, Ho! Ho!Ho!Santa Claus ( not the fake mall one you see each year for a candy cane, $20 picture and tear stained eyes) but most importantly it was the meeting and once in a life time opportunity I had to meet this famous elf named Jeopardy, almost more popular than all the Reindeer, Santa or even the toys themselves. I had to see why the entire world was so in love with this little blue guy. I’m not talking about a smurf looking creature. This little guy was eccentric to say the least. He wasn’t just any shade of blue. He was like a midnight blue, and fuzzy, a cognac array of blue mink covered him from head to toe. His eyes were pale egg shell blue, his nose as small as button and as red as Rudolph’s. And yes there really is a red nosed reindeer there, although he’s retired and doesn’t get out much, especially since his nose doesn’t glow as brightly as it used to. Santa said it was some sort of condition that one of the doctor elves diagnosed recently, apparently reindeer are only born with red noses every 10th generation and Rudolph was one super lucky reindeer up until now, it seems this condition has caused some breathing hindrances and yucky nasal discharge for Rudy. He missed his days of being a lead reindeer but knew that it was too risky for Santa to take him on any adventure since his nose was more of a detriment than beneficial to everyone.

It was quite an experience and I got to stay at Santa’s House for a good couple of weeks. It was crazy how long it took me to get there yet I only got to stay there for a short amount of time. And boy did that time fly by rather quickly. I wanted to take pictures but it wasn’t allowed. I couldn’t record them either. As a matter of fact they took my cell phone away from me the entire time I was there. And I found out I was the only human being besides Santa to have ever stepped foot on their land. The place was gorgeous. It looked just like a gingerbread house. Every single piece of Santa’s work shop and House was edible and smelled absolutely delicious. When I arrived by one of the magnificent reindeers and a miniature slay built for one passenger only it seemed I was more in awe of the decadent smell of it all than the beautiful sight of the house itself. And in close proximity, I noticed the stables that houses the reindeers, were notably just as yummy as the big guys house. It was wrapped in graham crackers, marshmallows and honey. It’s funny. All the time I expected that there would be mountains of snow all around us and a climate so cold that I would for sure be shivering the entire time I was there. I had never thought for a minute to ask them what kind of clothes I should bring with me to wear. It was cold but only a mild sort of coolness to the air. My short sleeved shirts and light jacket were more than enough. And there was only a dusting of snow all around the entire village. I also forgot to mention the sky was starry, not an inch of sky was exposed, it was more like all you could see were a million stars, they looked like diamonds against a blanket of black velvet. I never once saw the sun come out. It was like that for the entire 2 weeks I was there. Crazy. I did however get plenty of light exposure while in Santa’s House. So it didn’t bother me to much to be without sunshine.

The first person I met upon entering Santa’s House and Workshop was his wife. She was slightly plump, like Santa himself, had the softest hands I had ever touched ( she held my hand as she walked me around the village, introducing me to the elves, The reindeer and finally Santa). She reminded me of Aunt Bee from the old television show Andy Griffith. She was soft spoken, wore silver rimmed glasses and her hair was as white as snow, pulled up in a loose bun on her head. She was quite accommodating and let me sleep in a bunk two rooms down from her and Santa’s bedroom. In those two weeks I could sometime hear Santa talking to MrsClaus while working on his list of naughty and nice people. I could have sworn he had mentioned to his wife that i had been so good this year and there was a high possibility that I might get the corvette I had longed for. But honestly the sounds were slightly muffled. It might have been wishful thinking. A magical place could have that effect on anyone I imagined. The elves and their works shop were literally right below me and most of the time all I could hear were sounds of pounding and chipmunk like chatter.

I was introduced to the head elf I was looking for right away. And when I met the oh so popular Jeopardy for the first time I asked him how he got his name. Here’s how our little interview went. By the way, elves don’t speak english,they speak in elfdom or at least this one did. Luckily one of Santa’s helpers stood by and translated the entire time.

Me:“ Nice to meet you! And sorry it took so long. What a trip it was! So how did you get the name?”

Jeopardy: “ My mom was a fairway elf and was in charge of game-board central. She loved all the board games and her and the other elves on her team made the board Jeopardy, which was her favorite of them all. She loved it so much she named her first elf baby, which would be of course, after the game.”

Me: “ Nice! But what is a fair-away elf?

Jeopardy: “ It’s a type of elf. There are over 20 species of elves. We all have different languages, colors, ect. None of us are the same. I am more like my father, he is a remoter elf, he’s short and chubby. I am completely unlike my mom, she’s pink with pointy ears and a pointy nose and taller than the average elf. At one time her long legs made her the perfect-candidate for a Barbie clothing model. I am fuzzy like dad, blue and have a button nose and rounded ears. Both of my parents are currently retired and reside at an elf village outside of the North Pole in a bit of a warmer climate.”

Me: “ I think all of you guys are cute as can be. If only us humans got along as well as you all do. What is your secret to such success?”

Jeopardy: “ We work with one another and not against. Our once per year job takes an entire year to make happen. The entire globe is reliant on us here to make this holiday happen. We hate to see that some children do without for Christmas. Santa goes by an extensive list every year. He tries to decipher which people get coal as apposed to a real toy. But sometimes when people move or when Santa’s radar doesn’t pick up on certain destinations, we miss people. It makes us terribly sad when we get a letter from a child that says we missed them last Christmas.”

Me: “ What do you do when you find about such a tragedy? “

Jeopardy: “ We bless them with twice as much as they would have gotten originally the next year. Our helpers are paid to make sure this doesn’t happen though. Those people you see in the mall, at store, ect are all paid helpers. They don’t always do the their jobs right so we have to fix their mistakes.”

Me: “ Wouldn’t be easier if you just stopped making toys to give ?Have any of you considered just selling them only and not going to all this trouble to give them away?”

Jeopardy: “ We wouldn’t even consider it and that will never happen. It’s the reason for the season. It’s all about bringing joy to the world. Giving to others. Jingling bells. Kissing under mistletoe you and seeing people be full of merry that make us do this for centuries to come.”

Me: “ How long have you been an elf?”

Jeopardy: “ 3 decades now. We have a long life span, much longer than humans. We can live for hundreds of years, just like santa, we have much longevity.”

Me: “ Wow! That’s good to know.”

Jeopardy: “ Yes and we never forget a name or a face. We were created to utilize our talents in order to bring gifts to the world for an eternity. Our mission is to make one holiday, the most important of them all, the most cheerful and memorable one. “

Me: “How did you become the most popular?”

Jeopardy: “ I have a podcast, my own channel, host a game show and have a book written and illustrated about me in 37 languages across the world. It was the book that started my success. It’s about how I saved a young woman’s life that had lived in poverty through out most of her childhood. And made her a helper. She’s been a great asset to our company and I was praised for bringing her in with us by millions of people world wide. I was surprised that I developed such a following. It wasn’t that big of a deal really. I never meant for that to happen but I am glad I’ve been so beneficial to so many others out there.”

Me: “ Yes, you really have been amazing and it’s such an honor to meet you. So how did you get the shelf job started?. I mean you don’t look like that shelf elf but I assume since you are lead elf you are probably in charge of all the other elves.”

Jeopardy: “ Im not in charge of that one. He’s a bit of a misfit and gets quite a few demerits each year for putting himself into harms way and getting himself into compromising positions. Santa’s about ready to give him the boot I heard. But if he does I will be the one to have to fire him”

Me: “ That would be a bummer to have to fire him, it seems like it would be hard to lose someone that’s made the elf community more popular.”

Jeopardy: “ He’s bringing more negative attention then good. We only went good here”

Me: “I understand. That’s what I want too”

Jeopardy: It looks like I am being called for now. I wish we could have talked via satellite but we are so far out it’s impossible to do so without a lot of interference. I mean we are in another dimension. You do realize you are the only one that’s been here to visit us because nobody else managed to live through the black hole trip? You aren’t really at the North Pole. We just like to say that. Anyways humans can’t survive because your bodies are made different than elves.”

Me: “ Maybe I’m not human?”

Jeopardy: “ As funny of a notion as that might seems to you it is not entirely impossible.”

Me: “ How is that ?”

Jeopardy : “Aren’t you Grayson Landers, great grandson of Ovelle landers?

Me: “ why yes ?”

Jeopardy: “ I have something to tell you. You aren’t just a human. I only chose you because you are the only human on earth that is part elf and part human. Your great great great grandmother was my very own great grand elf’s grandfather. They helped create your entire family line. But since you are the only one left of that leinage we decided you would be the best candidate for this interview and being that you were a reporter we figured it would be advantageous to you to tell you the truth.”

Me: “ Oh my word! This explains why I have these pointed ears, so much body hair, the pinkish toned skin and big bulging cartoon like blue eyes I’ve had my entire life! I can’t believe it!! I’ve always looked a bit different than others. Now I know why”

Jeopardy: “ Yep, now you know. I hate to cut this short but I have a crew to take care of and toys to make, our times is crucial”

Me: “I understand. And thank you for your time. Can I stay a bit longer , work on some toys and get to know my family?”

Jeopardy: “ Yes and this will always be your home. You will live many years longer and retire here some day. We are glad to have you.”

Me: “ I’m glad to have you too! This is crazy! I’m an elf!!!!!!”