To The Brother I’ll Never Know

I was just a baby when our father left my mother for yours

But I didn’t hold that against you

I was supposed to have your name, you know

His first-born son

But I came out a girl so he picked another

I will always hate that name, but I never hated you

Our father first contacted me after I turned 18

He left you and your sister soon after

Your loss was much greater than mine

At least that’s what I assumed

When your mother contacted me on behalf of your sister

I knew you didn’t want to meet me

I didn’t blame you

I didn’t want to meet you either

Now that you’re gone, I can’t help but mourn

Mourn for your mother

Mourn for your sister

Mourn for what could have been

Because, though I‘ve never admitted it

I thought often about the day I would meet you

I thought of how it would feel to meet a piece of me

How it would feel to meet the first piece of him

I thought of what you would be like

Imagined you strong, funny, and kind

I wondered if I’d cry

And also wondered why I would

I imaged you had all the things I was missing

A father

A family

Happy childhood memories

But that’s not quite fair

I don’t know what you went through

I don’t know what hurt you

I don’t know what made you you

But I wanted to

How had you lived your life?

So similar yet different from mine?

I thought how we would talk and then go on to be nothing after

Just as we were nothing before

Life had tied us together

But we were never connected

And now we never will be

I mourn because I will never know you.

#poetry #goodbye #ponderance #wordsunsaid