Farewell from me to you

I can’t even begin to describe the emotions welling up in me as I think about all that was lost. We weren’t ever a good fit, you and I, but I still mourn the loss of us. Crazy, considering how damaging and toxic we both were to each other. But I can’t help think about you and feel an immense amount of sadness and pain where you used to be instead.

I see that, for whatever it’s worth you are presenting yourself as okay to this world. I know better than to hope that you truly are happy, but I do feel some relief seeing your strength continue to carry you on. I’m sorry it has mostly been on your own.

I love... loved (?) you, Alexander. I would never dare tell you this now. For even months removed, I’m still afraid of your anger. I know better now. It wasn’t truly me you were angry with, but my inability to meet and attend to your needs because I’m sorry, I never understood what they were. You never got the chance to learn how to be taken care of and you never had stable care your entire life. It isn’t your fault. I can also finally see it wasn’t mine either.

But it still hurts. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you down. I still struggle with my own worth and feel guilt for allowing you to waste so much time on me.

I’m learning to love and let go, but mostly I’m learning to forgive myself, and you. I never told you goodbye the way you deserved and we both treated each other unfairly. We became less than human with each other when we believed we were more. Our love wasn’t of this world, but I think because we didn’t have the capacity to love like we thought we did. We were children playing at adult games and we got burned and hurt.

This is how we learn. It’s Darwinian, it’s natural selection. We adapt. Or we die.

Thank you for the lessons, the love, and the pain. I’m sorry for it all.