The Forgotten Paraclete

Back then i believed i was always pissing off God. Asking forgiveness, and for what it was i did do? That self flagellation i went through each time my perpetrator unleashed his torment and words - i was a pathetic, useless, sick, evil twisted bitch. The struggle each day that saw me fall short, but then there were times he was screaming and spitting in my face shouting that "you think you are so fucking perfect" - i became so confused. Shame - draw the curtains, stay inside - so messed up now - could he be right? Each time he tortured my mind, i punished my body, do you know what it is like to feel what you cannot see, i had no visible bruises just scars that ran deep. Madness creeping in. Mixed up, messed up so terribly confused - Tell me God, how should i have dealt with the abuse?

For you God i drank down so much guilt of feeling he was right - i tried so hard for so long to serve and honour he, to improve for thee, believing that i was the blame, it was my fault - Dear God - you saved me when i finally got away i thank you today for such insight. To have believed that perhaps there really was something so terribly wrong with me, yet you ask me to forgive God, all the bad that was done to me. Was it you too punishing me for my earlier sins? After all, i had stood before that altar and made a promise to You, i vowed to always love in sickness, in health, for richer, for poorer, until death us do part - it seems i broke that promise too, did i fail in your eyes? he still tells the children of how i broke his heart. He would remind me always of that promise we had made, that i did not want to go down the path of Divorce, of what it would do to him, his children, only he knew the repercussions, only he had suffered pain. There, right there, i was always brought back with guilt. Did i piss you off God because i could no longer serve against the genocide taking place on my mind, the monster that stole time, that broke a christian family of four - oh yes, we have suffered God yet we are standing still. Today, i do not forsake you but invite the paraclete in, for i understand that when man starts to respond to the spirit and forego his ego only then can he transform the self and begin again to align & serve you. I may have pissed you off, days still where i'm not sure if i could have done more or for what it was i didn't do? but know this - to be standing today, nearly, hopefully soon to be whole, is because i always kept faith in you.