A RECIPE FOR A GOOD LIFE

1 Tsp Personality Flaws: Perfect is boring. We all need flaws to teach us humility and how to laugh at ourselves. Of course, too much of this ingredient will result in you making a douche bag and not a good life.

2 Tbsps Adversity: Problems build character and fuel’s creativity. Where would we be if some ancient person in the Cradle of Civilization hadn’t despirately needed a way to tolerate their inlaws, ignore their children, and make their partner appear more attractive? Thanks to this tortured individual, alcoholic beverages were discovered and life was immediately a bit more tolerable.

1/2 Cup Don’t Be A Dick: Respect the view point of others. Stand up against injustice. Most importantly, use your fucking turn signal!

2/3 Cup Desire: This keeps us connected to our inner animal. It allows us to fuck our partners with dirty, sweaty intensity until we wake the neighbors and make every dog on the block howl at the moon.

1 Cup Humor: The foundation of a good life. Without it, I would have lost it at 7 years old and spent the last 34 years in a padded cell swimming in my own drool.

1 1/2 Cup Love: Doesn’t matter who you love. What matters is that they love you back.

2 Cups Common Sense: This ingredient allows you to survive on your own. Given the number of thirty-somethings still living at home, the high ratings of cable news shows, and the fact that millions of people actually care about the Kardashians, I’d guess this is the rarest ingredient in the recipe.

Instructions: Combine all ingredients and let simmer at 98.6 degrees for 0-100 plus years.