What to do with myself?

I have a job.

I have people who love me (or do they pretend to?)

I am in a relationship.

I have one absolutely amazing friend.

I smile easily.

I am relatively normal.

So why do I feel dragged down all the time? How is it that as soon as I am in solitude, I feel everything crashing down?

Don’t I still have a job?

Don’t I still have people who love me?

What do I want more?

What do I need more?

Have all my abilities merged into one, melting into one big excrement of disappointment? Have all that I have been given been taken away from me so stealthily that I can never recover fron the betrayal? Have all my people realided who I really am and replaced me with the who they really want? Has my self confessed nuisance of a being been ingrained so much that finally those around me have started to believe? Is my nonchalant attitude to everything being reflected towards me?

I totally deserve it.