Stop Thinking

I never thought it would feel this way, not like this. I thought being in love was supposed to be warm and soft, beautiful and strong with bits of passion and laughter.

I thought it would be smiles that last for days and warm kisses on the cheek on cold nights when the snow seemed endless and the chilled air bit at the delicate edges of my ears. I thought it would be open arms and comforting words during times of self-doubt and encouragement when I didn’t feel I was enough. Maybe I’m too much of a romantic or maybe I dreamt a bit too big.

I know it shouldn’t feel this way.

The truth is, reality is not kind or soft. Reality is not forgiving or understanding, there’s no promise of patience or hope. Reality screams at us, “What you see is what you get!” That statement rings through the corridors of my mind, bouncing off empty walls and closed doors and settles here at my feet.

I guess I didn’t look close enough, or my vision wasn’t clear enough, or I didn’t take enough time to understand the full picture. Maybe the full picture was never real and I filled in the empty spaces with hopes and dreams locked inside the mind of a woman who never figured out how to stop feeling like a little girl.

I’m not supposed to feel like this.

That was my first mistake, I held onto innocence I never had to begin with. The second mistake was holding onto pain because I was too afraid to feel anything outside of that, or maybe it wasn’t fear but that twisted comfort that comes from feeling the sting of salty tears burning raw skin.

My thoughts try to comfort me with words that feel empty. Social media calls to me, offering its mind numbing medicine to keep that fake smile spread across my face. We’ve all painted this picture of lies. We’ve all fed the scam of what “real love” should be.

We all secretly know it’s not supposed to happen like this.

Today I woke up with a clarity I’ve never felt before. I sat in front of the water-stained mirror, focusing on small spots of shaving cream and toothpaste that escaped during your morning routine of pointing out all the reasons why I was inadequate, the same routine that left me broken so many mornings that I lost the strength to look at my own reflection.

But there she was, the person I covered up for you. There she was, smiling back at me with that same hope in her eyes, that innocence I used to carry. Right then and there I found her, in the midst of all the chaos she held her hand out to me.

And as quickly as she appeared she was gone, lost in the dozens of notifications buzzing from all of the social media apps craving my attention. Devices that let society mold the reality that had allowed me to become so broken.

It shouldn’t be this way.

I don’t blame him for the abuse, I don’t blame myself for allowing it. Society lied to me, to all of us about true love, about real struggle, about the raw and unforgiving nature of life. Society broke us and society gave us the “cure”. Society told us to expect, to assume, to grow up with a sense of entitlement and then it scolded us for doing just that.

They gave us the handbook on love filled with pages and pages of fables painted in the colors of truth. Distorted representations of what life should look like were fed to us and when no one could live up to the unattainable standards set within the hundreds of rules that seemed to contradict each other, we started pretending.

“Fake it ’til you make it.” So I did and I was great at acting. We all did, we all lied to ourselves and some of us were too naive to see the truth for what it was.

So I’m saying goodbye, and it’s not because I don’t love you or because I feel you’ve failed me in any way. I’m saying goodbye because I can’t pretend I’m fine, I can’t pretend to want the empty promises that toxic book offers, the same promises you’ve regurgitated time and time again.

You know as well as I do, you can’t give me any of those things. You don’t understand why you feel hollow all the time, but I do. You want your own version of love, one that’s written by you, one that is truly you.

You’ll find yourself in my place one day, or maybe you won’t and that’s okay. I’m too smart to continue to fall for the cheap version of love we so readily accept, I’m worth more than that. I’ve settled far too many times. I’m leaving this false world and I’m asking you to follow, when you’re ready.

There are no rules to life and love shouldn’t feel like possession.

Follow me, I’ll love you.

-A.e.