Daddy

“What I really wanted to ask was if you did it on purpose? Did you plan it for a long time? I mean, I could never understand why you insisted on maintaining unhealthy habits, knowing they were killing you. I couldn’t’ understand how you couldn’t stop drinking when you had everything you needed. Everyone loved you, at home, at work, strangers. I didn’t understand why you still weren’t happy. Why you still needed to drink and drink and drink.

“So, I really wanted to ask, did you do it on purpose? At some point, did you decide you wanted to die but you couldn’t pull the trigger in that gun in your closet? Or maybe you were thinking about us or your soul? You didn’t want your wife to have to find you? Or God not to forgive you? Did you figure drinking yourself, killing yourself slowly would be more forgivable? Maybe get us used to the idea so it wouldn’t be such a shock? We got to watch you degenerate so that you looked like death long before it came. Was that your plan?

“I really wanted to ask you if it was that miserable, that hard, did it hurt so much, did you suffer so terribly that you couldn’t find reason enough to live in your wife, your child, your soon to be born grandson? The grandson with whom you hoped to fish? The one you prayed for as he grew in me.

“I really wanted to ask if you changed your mind at some point, realized it was worth holding on but it was too late? You had already succeeded.

“Well, I just wanted you to know that I think I understand now. And I think you were right. I just might try it myself.”