Right?

You think as you get older it wouldn’t matter as much. You think to yourself every day just keep going, don’t think about it. If you don’t acknowledge it then it didn’t happen. Right?

Nope, one day you’re sitting there laughing with your friends and it hits. You ignore continue with your day go home go to sleep wake up everything’s normal. Then you’re talking to the people that matter most but they’re not listening. It’s okay though you don’t always have to be the center of attention.

Right?

Then it happens again and again its okay though, it’s not you they’re just terrible friends. Then you get older you push the thought back to the back of that closet in your mind. It only took a few drinks but you’re finally happy again.

Right?

But how do you stay happy? That’s easy just keep drinking. Finally! The voice in your head has stopped. You can live freely again. Now if only you could sleep at night. Wait nope Nyquil and vodka solved that problem. Now let’s recap at this point you’re now a teen you’re drinking every other day to stay happy, and drinking every night to go to sleep ( though it’s not like you stay asleep). So, in short, you’re like everyone else in your family. That’s what you wanted.

Right?

No? So now you have tried to completely stop drinking. That was a bad idea, so now you’re drinking less that’s safer, because not drinking completely, had you on the . Literally. A few months pass and you think you can finally stop drinking completely. It lasts for three months. Then you realize that not drinking isn’t the answer, drinking less is the answer.

Right?

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. A compromise, you can still drink and not want to die every time you get ignored. The only problem is that now when you’re sober there is room for that little voice to sneak back in and remind you that all the people you love are going to die. You are not enough to make people happy. You should just die.

Right?

Maybe. The voice is becoming clearer you can kind of understand where it’s coming from. You start to agree with the voice you look back on all the times you were ignored, replaced, or just left with no explanation. You began to understand that it was you all along. There is no more running now. Now it’s time to stop and face the music. You have begun failing in school. Alienated you from everyone. Anger is the only emotion you seem to be able to express. Your world is burning down around you. But you were the one that caused this.

Right?

Or did he start this. I mean it was years ago, you weren’t even old enough to remember it. Or so they thought. But it wasn’t even that serious. That’s what they say. How are you even blaming him for your problems?

Because I can.

He left. He had one job.

To be a father.

Right?