Happiness, The Billion Dollar Business
Commercial 1: Are you sad? Do you suffer from everyday life syndrome? Do you wake up and realize that dreaming is your only escape from the 9 to 5 grind? Take this pill! Your mind will become so fuzzy, you won’t even remember what this commercial is about. It won’t do your dishes, make your ex call you back or even give you the self esteem you need to find a new job, but you won’t remember why those things bothered you in the first place! So take this pill, sit on the couch and smile at that grey wall.
(Disclaimer: Side effects may include, mindloss, weight gain, acne, a total loss of self, the sudden desire to purge your friend list of negative people, leaving you with no friends because in reality you actually were the negative one, an increase in the number of Lifetime movies you can tolerate, a sudden desire for Christmas music, an increased attraction to the color beige.)
Commercial 2: Buy this sexy, sexy perfume/watch/car/outfit. It will make your friends think you are financially and emotionally secure! It will make your family wonder if started sucking dick for a raise. Maybe you did, it doesn’t matter, no one will dare judge you if you buy this perfume/watch/car/outfit because they couldn’t afford one. So sad for them!
Commercial 3: You know what’s the worst? Being alone. You are so lonely you didn’t even have anyone around to tell you how lonely you were until you saw this commercial. Look at this similng, laughing couple. Just download our dating app and subject yourself to countless shameful hookups and mismatches until you find that one, special person who makes you really, truly happy for a week. Then buy our in-app purchases and pimp your profile until you find that next person who makes you really, truly happy for a night. Keep swiping away with that self-doubt and those insecurities until you find someone as truly rejected and dejected as you!
Commercial 4: This yoga/fitness/gym/spa/personal trainer will make your friends so jealous of your hot body that they won’t even notice your body dysmorphia! We’ll throw in a free condescending vegan to accompany to all social events to make them feel even worse about their life choices.
Commercial 5: Hi, pyramid scheme here! We’re great at giving you all the hope you need for you to spend all your money trying to become rich, successful and happy, so we can be rich, successful and happy! Just sign up 5 of your friends without their consent and prey on their weaknesses so you can make a buck and get the lifestyle you really deserve! Nothing screams happiness like flaunting your undeserved wealth around people who are struggling to just get by!
Commercial 6: Are you ugly? Old? Ugly and old? The secret to not being ugly and old is to be born pretty like this privileged, white, 15 year old we hired to sell you beauty products. Rub this organic salmon sperm into your face every night for the low cost of $100 a month, then get a tummy tuck, boob job, brow lift, and top it all off with $80 lipstick and you won’t look nearly as pretty as this privileged little white girl but we will still have you convinced that if you repeat this process daily, you will be looking your best you!
Commercial 7: I don’t often drink liquor, but when I do, you know it’s top-shelf expensive-ass liquor that I pay a 600% markup for in this club full of women who really wish I would stop trying to flirt with them. This makes me feel 600% better about my life choices until I wake up the next day with a searing headache, spooning a half-eaten pizza. But if I drink more, I'll forget that ever happened.
Commercial 8: You know what you need? A vacation! Forget your problems on a cruise ship full of old people who never had any problems! Just drink this margarita and pretend that you are not going to be too broke to take another vacation for the next 10 years after this! Smile! You’ll need an excellent travel selfie to share on social media, to prove to everyone you don’t really know, how happy you really are.
(I could go on forever, please add your own in the comments!)