27 - an epic coming of age poem
I am 27 now and will be 27 always.
In this memory
In this encapsulated momeny
which stretches before me as if neverending but I know it is not...isn't it finite?
Or are thing actually infinite?
Love feels tangible until it doesn't anymore.
Was the beginning when I first opened my eyes or when I first noticed my mind, body and self are all connected at the tender age of 7?
20 years and not much feels different in this regard
I still feel oddly connected
But simultaneously dissociated
Bodily form, Deformed bodies, my former body, my present body, my future body. Every body.
I have many names.
Many lives.
Are they all the same?
When footsteps became less comical and became more quizzical:right, then left, then more complex in high school with the introduction of marching in time.
An alien in a foreign land, sometimes it feels like they know I don't belong here with their kind, but how do they know?
You know that funny feeling you get when you lock eyes with someone and it feels like they're reading your mind and penetrating your soul thoughts through your eye windows? That feeling.
Numbers gain significance at different stages and different settings:
1st birthday party.
2nd base
3rd date
4th period
5th time moving
6 different ex-girlfriends/boyfriends/etc.
7 hours of sleep is unrealistic
Age 8 - self conscious enough to be aware of depression
age 10 - severely depressed to know about suicide
age 12 - suicidal and homicidal
age 13 - puberty and sexuality
16 - alcohol isn't my thing
18 - smoking is though
21- lots of drinking in my new thing now
23 - i'm in love with being in love
25 - career, 9-5 thing
27 - heartbreak/suicide plan diverted
28 - staying alive, staying alive. ha ha ha, stayin alive.
Puberty is such a complicated thing and for most people a time to find their sexuality and take pride in such things.
But not so easy for me, more self-hatred and loathing for me.
Girlfriends and boyfriends and fuckbuddies and people just using me to cheat or using me to rape me or using me for love or using me for money or using me for company.
Is it so bad? When I am simultaneously using them to make myself feel more normal than I actually am?
Will anyone ever really love me?
I once told someone, told a few someones, but atll the same. I regret eat one and wish I could take every word back from their memory bank.
Because in moments of vulnerability, people will use what they know.
Oh high school, usually positive memories but mine are fleeting and few and far between.
I do of my dad and me, walking on the beach, toes in sand and water in reach...
Goodbye murderous rage, hello drug addictions and raves.
Goodbye high school, goodbye family, goodbye old boring me and whatever, anything and everything that could remind me of me.
Hello college, hello adult trauma, hello trauma bonding, hello denial.
You and I will have long lasting friendships.
Hello to the truth that I am an asshole who just lies and cheats and steals.
Hello to friends who will love me momentarily while I throw wild parties and give out drugs.
Hello to the girlfriends and boys I am just friendly with...
I don't know how to love or hot to accept love, I was never really taught that growing up.
Who of you will stick around for the end of the show, who of you will stick around for the end of the show, who of you will actually stick around till the end of the credits?
At least through all of this, I ended up with an angel from Heaven, his name is Ollie and you would see, just another little dog.
He taught me to love and accept love and finally accept me for me.
Maybe friendships and love can be real and everlasting?
Is he the reason why I didn't commit suicide at 27?
Is he the reason why I'm still around and not dying?
Does he really love me or is he just stuck with me cuz he's a dog and I'm his human?
#27
#27survivorclub