fear of intimacy
It all starts with one question: Why have I never had a boyfriend?
The answer is simple but the reasoning will take you to different aspects of my life that I never intended to share with anyone. But since I have no name and no face here, I guess for the first time, I'm not afraid.
I am terrified of intimacy. Not because of trust issues, not because of bad experiences. But because of who I am physically. I hate my body. Not in the way you would think though.
I have a condition called hyperhidrosis. It makes my hands and feet sweat all the time for no reason. Sometimes it affects other parts of my body too but I'd say those two have taken the biggest toll on me. I've seen how disgusted people are when I touch them. It's a terrible feeling, but I have to play it off. I don't ever want to love someone and have them look at me the way I've been looked at. That would hurt too much and I don't know what I'd do if that ever happened to me. I want to be able to hold the person I love. I want to feel comfortable being close to them. But I don't know if I'll be able to do that.
This one physical defect has taken a negative toll on the way I view myself mentally. As soon as I catch myself developing interest in someone I cut it off. I don't allow myself to feel because it would hurt too much to be exposed in that way and know that I disgust someone I hold so dear. Even if I get treatment, even if I never sweat again, I don't know if I could ever feel normal. It's just a part of me that I don't know how to leave behind.
All I want, even more than to just be normal, is for someone to accept me, to not tell me how to fix myself but just accept me and love me whether I'm like everyone else or not.