Zebras

I can tell you I had a dream. I know that zebras are digging holes in the ground and they are coming for all of you. In the event that one holds you at gunpoint, you need only play the kazoo to keep him at bay. When the cinemas explode and the stars only come out in the day, you know they have succeeded in their master plan. There will be no stopping them by then and I won't be able to help you anymore. They are working quick, they know I'm here. Send your strongest horseradish to Pluto, the Rhinos will take it from there.

If they do not get the horseradish there in time, there is no hope. I can only give you these tips in hopes that some of you will make it. They will come up from the earth. They have dug interconnected tunnels beneath the ground. If doomsday is to come, they will emerge from the ground using their tunnels and attack from the sushi restaurants. They despise salmon, and raw fish in general. They cannot stand the smell. Warn the sushi restaurants, armor up with all of the yellowtail and halibut and salmon you can find. Keep the fish eyes! Those are especially toxic! Throw fish eyes at the zebras, and you will keep them at bay.

Once they have demolished all sushi, they will head for cornflakes next. Arm yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, buy as many frosted flakes as you can! Crush them up, roll yourself in eggs and flour and coat yourself in the stuff. Do not give me that look, do you want to live, man? Natural selection is very real! But I suppose if the cornflakes are too much for you, you could use the crayons. Green crayons specifically scare them. They have been training for this since birth, and they are ready for your tricks, humans. No zebras have died in the past 200 years, there are billions of them ready to come at any and all of you. You each need to take on at least twenty.

Stop walking away from me you worms! Don't you want to live? When did life become so devalued for you heathens? No, bomb bunkers won't work. There is no hiding. There is only combat. From doomsday forward, you needn't worry about taxes. All you'll need to worry about is survival.

They hate balloons. Specifically birthday balloons, because it reminds them of how old they all are. They're insecure about their stripes and bags too, Christine. At least you all have face creams. Create an anti-aging cream for them, offer it to them as sacrifice. Perhaps some of them, the weaker willed will leave you alone.

You need to exaggerate that you reached space before they did. Really just shove the fact that you've reached the moon in their long-nosed faces. They have a sweet spot for the Mars rover though, keep pictures of Oppy on you at all times. In desperate times, pray to Oppy. Keep a walkie talkie on you at all times and pretend you are speaking to Oppy. They will leave you alone in fear of upsetting Oppy by intercepting one of Oppy's chosen ones.

They're really nosey. Carry a suitcase on you at all times but keep it locked. When one approaches you for a battle, refer to your suitcase as your secret weapon but don't open it. The zebra will inquire as to what is in the suitcase, and lower it's weapon. Tell the zebra that you will tell it at recess. To this comment, it will insist that you tell it now because it doesn't want to wait until recess to hear your big secret. But you must keep insisting, because your suitcase is empty. Buy yourself time. They won't do anything to you before knowing what is in the suitcase.

They despise change. Quarters, dimes, pennies. Save the nickels, those are your last resort. leave a circle around your shelter with pennies, they won't go anywhere near you. The smell is much too strong for them, and they can never remember if pennies are one cent or five cents, so they feel stupid and embarrassed and avoid them sat great lengths to avoid social judgment. Use this.

Lastly, they hate puzzles with missing pieces. Take any finished puzzles you have and run over it with puzzle glue. remove some pieces. Keep it handy on you at all times, but only 1000+ piece puzzles will work because they have poor eyesight. Unless you can craft glasses for zebras and convince them to wear them, I suppose. They'll scoff and cry at the missing pieces because they are a very poetic species, and they'll likely go on about how sad it is, how it's a metaphor for opportunities missed. Console the zebra(s) with a tissue, a slight "there, there" wouldn't hurt either. Give them a warm beverage and tuck them into bed. Then line the edge of the bed with pennies. Now you have captured a zebra, and you have a bargaining chip in case you ever need it.

That will be the first cinema explosion then. I need to go. Perhaps the next planet will listen to me. You thought zebras were bad, Saturn has porpoises. Heed my words, take to heart what I have told you. Survival is crucial. Do not let them catch you. It is not death that waits for you if they do.