Panicked Course

the break up

and I know it doesn’t have to be.

and that makes it even more stuck

inside the theme of itself

I’m dating myself

pulling and gripping

and masturbating and coddling onto myself

throwing affections into air

only the boomerang doesn’t reach me

it’s sucked and funneled into him

and he eats it as if it were guilt.

the taste is guilt

for him

And I knew

the societal method

for keeping him crawling

threats and labels

stringing open a tear

our sustenance to stay alive

I’d like to ask him: “Did you know

that we were never going to be

on the same wave length

the way

I knew?”

We both knew

in our private

and wise quarters

That’s what we were for one another

something for the resume

lessons and courses to complete

“You could’ve found beauty in me”

and I say this

to feel like the good guy

though I do not believe my statement

His mind could never see mine

We are the panic

tempered and moved

solely to secure

spots

in a class

a course on something unique

the panicked mind

starts to reach far

for connections

excuses

landing on desperately common turf

the panicked mind approves the bland connection

good enough

we will peddle to persevere

the panicked mind

lands on places of decency

the panicked mind thinks:

there was something very worth it to me

so worth it

that I will not look over there

continuously we could blind ourselves

to stay a part of it

I begged for him to point out

and notice me

I thought it was within reach

there is no energy towards his regret

he can swipe it clean

it’s cleaner breath now

focused eyes

guilt no longer pummeling

through digestion

he never took off that stoic face

pre-emptive hard work

too ready to expel energy

into something that should give energy

the dressings he needs to be a suitor

leg work

he’s got painful realizations right now

truth about the depths of my distaste

how I don’t really like him all that much

and they’re probably justified

we’re back to our wise corners

the truths

of my unlove

make him panic

back into love

I weakened myself

for his confidence

to bring the parts of him out

that I love

the arrogant mind

doesn’t ask questions

or learn from every passerby

or admit they learn

from every passerby

bless the deliverance, though

thank you, dear universe

a new mixture of feelings and pain

I could never have composed

oh world

never ceasing to deliver

some a freshly unique

new painful dynamic.

intoxicating

pulling me close

but leaving me so distant

a new kind of self I couldn’t fall into

without the grasps of your wraith

and there are feelings that fly in

at the mention of

break ups

and endings

we roam with those

exist from those