1955

Lillie,

I love you. But we both knew it isn’t going to work, ever. You know we don’t have the money to elope and there is no other option. I want you to know that I love you and I am doing this of my own will, it isn’t your fault. This culture condemned me anyway, if I hadn’t met you I would have gone sooner. But my mother has an idea of us and the only thing I can do is take the cowards way out. I am so sorry, my love, but you’ll find someone else, someone black, with whom you won’t have the constant feeling of waiting for the inevitable end. Who won’t have to be a secret and  you can have a life with. You won’t have the constant feeling of waiting for the inevitable end. If you can call it a life. But things will improve. I just can’t wait that long. 

I am so sorry Lillie. If I was any kind of a person I’d stand up to my mother and campaign for a better society. But I’m 17. And I’m the only one. I’m sorry Lillie, but I can’t do it. I make myself sick. I wonder if you’ve noticed the change in me, before I was eleven I was so naïve. I thought our society was right. I didn’t know anything else. I had no contact with Negros and so there was nothing to restrict me. I thought it was the same for everyone. But then I went away to Madison and there were Negros everywhere. At first it scared me. I had thought that all blacks were awful. Of course I did. Lillie, you weren’t brought up by my family, it disgusts me now, but I never knew before Lillie, I never knew! I’m sorry! 

When I came back I was used to it. I had black friends. I had forgotten about the prejudice back home. But as soon as I mentioned something one of my friends had said my parents shot dark looks and had a serious talk with me. So I kept it to myself, I thought it wouldn’t affect my life too much. But it still nauseated me, although I tried to ignore it. The sick feeling just grew, it was like a disease and I couldn’t say anything. No one would understand. Can you imagine how alone I was? Do you have any idea? For your sake I hope not. I’m sorry I’m burdening you with this, but I want you to know. You deserve to know. 

I used to sit alone under that tree. Whenever I couldn’t stay in that house with those obnoxious sheep. It was too much. And then you came past. When I . . . I just wished you good morning. And you looked terrified. And I didn’t know what to do, but I needed to have someone I could talk to. I was close to preferring hell over Dothan already. So I tried to talk to you, and eventually you could look at me without cringing away, and eventually you stopped even calling me sir. I was so much happier. But that feeling it was like we were waiting for the end, I couldn’t do it. You are a better person than me Lillie. It can’t have been much easier for you. I hope it will be better when I’m gone. Don’t cry for too long darling. I’ll be in a better place than here, wherever I go. And Dothan will get better eventually. It will. I’m sorry Lillie. I don’t believe it. I can’t lie to you. I am so sorry. Oh Lillie. If I go to hell I’ll never meet you in in heaven. Lillie, I love you, and I will remember you. 

I won’t hurt when I die. I swear to you it’s for the best. I want you to keep only the good memories of me. Forget the times that I cried, and the times I made you miserable. It isn’t fair to ask, but I beg you anyway. And please . . . you can keep the letter but don’t show it to anyone. They can’t see this part of me. It’s only for you.

I love you. 

Sam