Maleficent Dad

I love that dog, but it can’t live no more. He loves her too, Jacob was on the couch petting her as if she was watching the film with him, though she can’t even see the water bowl. I shouldn’t do it. I can imagine Jacob making a drawing of me and instead of labelling it “Dad” it will say “Best Friend’s Killer.” But I’m responsible for that dog, I’ve been waiting for her to pass away in her sleep, but she won’t leave us. It’s much worse if I do it, it sounds worst to kill your dog and make your son cry than to leave it alive and have a happy son. It’s my job to keep him happy. So, I waited a couple of years to let things end naturally. But last week I posted a video of Jacob playing with her. I’m not shy to say that I was happy with the likes I got, at the start. Then I was called ‘vicious’ and ‘cruel’ on the comments. Huge paragraphs describing why I should be hanged for animal cruelty. “That animal should’ve been put out of its misery, the same for you” of all the comments I can recall, that one was the nicest. I didn’t go back on Facebook for a week. But what did they know? They didn’t see the love of boy and dog, they didn’t see none of it. They were still right, of course. What kind of owner would let the dog suffer for his son’s smiles. Yeah, ok, but how is that worse than having a dead dog and hurt the child? What parent is that? Not a good one. I think.

I sat by them on the couch and tried to ignore the orange scent from last night’s juice spilt on the carpet. Jacob was watching Sleeping Beauty again, he always skips to the ending where the prince fights the dragon. It will build character to experience these sorts of pain, surely. But why me? He’ll experience enough pain throughout his life without me throwing wood into the fire.

Jacob picked his wooden sword and stabbed the air “Just die, witch!”

I paused the film, which was answered with an appropriate moan. “Jacob,” I said. “Don’t you think she’s getting a bit old-ish?” I petted the dog, and she winced.

“Maxine’s from Neverland, she never gets old.” He picked the remote, “can I?”

I decided to go a bit deeper. “Well, but it does hurt her, Jacob. Age does that, and when you’re in pain, all you want is for it to stop. When your mother was not feeling well, she made it stop. Because no one likes pain. Not even the Great Maxine.”

“Will Maxine also have to go away to make it stop?”

I waved my head.

“But I don’t want to be alone. Maxine is not hurt. She don’t complain. She’s good. And I want her to be good. She’s good with me.”

“There’s a better place for her. You’re right, she is good with you, but-”

“Then why you want to take her! Can’t you let her be with me... Why you being mean, dad?”

Blood rushed to my head “No, what I – just...”

Jacob was on the brink of tears. “Never mind,” I said, “it was a dumb idea.”

Jacob rubbed his eyes with his arm, then laughed as he pointed his sword at me. “I’ll cut you into sushi if you get any more of those ideas.”

I left the room with a tight throat, and looked at the shelf with Jacob’s favourite book: “How to Train Your Dragon.” Don’t know why, but looking at it calmed me down. Next to it, was the calendar. Tomorrow marked as “Vet.” I thought about crossing it out, but I didn’t.

***

She didn’t cry or squeal, she just went in peace. A grown man in tears on the waiting room where children accompany their pets, and I regret it all. Maybe she was fine, no one knows how she felt. And I killed her for nothing. Killed a good dog, a great dog. What beast would do that? But, it’s pointless, I can’t go back. Oh Good Lord, I can’t go back! I didn’t tell him, why didn’t I tell him! Because I was scared, as if that was an excuse... he won’t get to say goodbye. Not having a ‘last moment.’ I wouldn’t forgive my parents for that. He won’t forgive me. I won’t.

Inside the car, all sounds became bullets towards my mind. The pigeons on the ceiling with explosive steps. People’s voices from the street and radio merged together into a single scratching screech. I couldn’t do nothing!

I punched the radio off and screamed with my hands to my head, that quieted people and scared the birds away. I was in no state to drive. I felt I would faint at any minute.

I called the only person that I could talk to: “Hey Claire,” I tried to keep calm. “Can you meet me very quickly? … But can you?” I lost control and my voice showed signs of desperation, a near cry: “Please, I just really need you.”

As I waited, I wondered what she will say, I mean, I might’ve done the right thing. Maybe she’ll say I did good. She does have a dog though, I doubt she’ll be saying “yeah, you did well, we should all kill our dogs. It should be a holiday.” And what can she say to help me, she’s not a parent, she doesn’t know how it’s like telling this stuff to kids. Or maybe she does, maybe she would do better work than me.

After a while, Claire appears: a large woman that walked like the world was her modelling runway. Vulcanic fogs covered her face like a train’s chimney as she vaped, which brought a cherry scent when she entered.

I told her everything and then waited.

“Well,” she said. “You’re right, you should’ve told him before. It’s going to be far more of a shock now, but in the end, you did do the right thing. I dropped ya’ hint after hint about that dog, but you weren’t listening. You listening?”

“I bet that if I decided to keep the dog alive, you would be saying I was doing the right thing.”

“Excuse me?” She hit me in the shoulder. “If you gonna be like that, then you can bug off. You got a good kid, he causes no trouble. Why you being like that?”

“He is,” I said. “But I’m not. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m alone. I try so hard to keep him happy, to make him love me-”

“Well that’s your problem,” she flung her arms towards me. “My mother raised me by herself. She worked two jobs, cooked, cleaned and tried to push me at school. You know how I felt about her? I hated her.”

I laughed, she did too.

“I’m serious,” she continued. “She didn’t let me go out with a man almost three times older than me. She be like ‘no parties, no drugs, and what the bloody hell you think you’re wearing!’” She paused, thoughtfully. “But she’s my hero, now. It took me some time, you know, to understand. But until then she was the villain in my life. I was a dumb kid.”

It was silent then, it was peaceful. “Thank you,” I said, “thank you so much.” I hugged her.

A breeze flew in as she stepped out. “Hey,” I said. “I’m free today, and I still have some time before picking Jacob. Do you want to, maybe, eat something if you would like?”

Her mouth sucked her lips as if touched by a lemon. “You know,” she said, “it’s just that today I’m quite busy, so, you know, next time. But good luck with Jacob.”

She left, and I stayed there. I wasn’t even hungry.

***

I could always lie. I sat by the entrance with other parents and waited for the bell, when it rang, kids in colourful clothes flew out the gates like a ripped bag of skittles. They all brought their own play-doh figures, I didn’t see Jacob’s until we were in the car.

“See what I made.” Said Jacob showing his brown deformed play-doh thingy. “Can you see what it is?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s clearly...” Don’t say shit, don’t say shit. “Shiiiii-ny... tree trunk.”

“No, dad.” He laughed. “Don’t be silly. It’s Maxine.”

Its brown stood out from the car’s grey soul. He petted it with care. I can’t lie, he trusts me. It may help me in the short term, but in the long-term... no, I won’t do it. As I drove, clouds began to hide the clear sky.

“Jacob, you really like Maxine, don’t you?”

“No, dad. I love Maxine!”

For goodness sake kid, you doing it on purpose?

“Well... Jacob, I loved your mother very much. Very much. But I think, I rather not having her here than having her in pain. You understand that?” He waved his head. “I do miss her, and I rather really just having her here, no pain.” Paused. “But we can’t always choose, sometimes other people make the choices for us. It doesn’t mean they’re evil, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. But it does hurt. Can you understand that, Jacob?”

“I understand.”

We both stayed silent until I parked. It started to rain, and none of us moved. “Maxine wasn’t well. She was in pain. So, I put her to sleep.”

He looked confused. “Maxine sleeps a lot, dad.”

I explained it to him, he didn’t say anything. He was emotionless. I tried to talk to him, but he had gone deaf all the way to the door. The moment I unlocked it, he ran straight in.

“MAXINE!”

He kept screaming her name going up and down the stairs and in and out every door, then there was only crying from the lounge.

I found him kneeled with his arms on the couch where Maxine always was, marked by her fur. Neither one concerned with turning on the lights, a blue shade from the closed curtains covered us with harsh shadows.

I kneeled next to him. “I didn’t want to do it-”

Jacob grabbed his wooden sword and wavered it around while blinded by tears. I jumped out of its direction.

He cracked the TV screen.

“Jacob!”

He stopped and looked at me in tears and violent breaths.

“Can I say goodbye?”

“I’m sorry,” my eyes became watery. “No, you can’t. I’m so sorry.”

He began to cry even more. I approached and he wavered his sword with one arm and cleaned his tears with the other.

“Stay away.”

I approached him even more.

I raised my hands to gesture him to stop.

He hit the hand like an axe to a tree, and for a moment I thought he broke my finger.

“Son of a...”

It was silent. Even Jacob was startled, a scared statue.

My anger took over, I put my face in front of his and screamed as I took his sword.

“JACOB!”

He looked angry, yet scared. Then he looked me in the eyes and said:

“Just die!”

He ran to his room.

And breathe... I turned on the light and sat on the couch with my hands on my head. My mind going over every moment, from the first time I saw him until now. With every memory I ask “How am I doing?” and every time I had the same answer. I am trying.