I’m Sorry

I have spent most of my young life seeking forgiveness from somone who didn’t think I was good enought to have it. I begged for it, groveled for it, like a dog asking for scraps. I apologized for being a kid, I apologized for loving my father, I apologized for being myself and for things out of my control.

When I left her, I thougtht that things would change, but they didn’t. I still say sorry when I shouldn’t have to (most of the time without even realizing it). It’s usually my dad who catches it. “It’s not a big deal, Elizabeth. It’s not your fault, Elizabeth. You don’t have to say sorry for that, Elizabeth.”

Sometimes, I start to wonder what forgiveness really means. Can I forgive somone for never forgiving me? A lot of people think forgiveness looks like a mended relationship, putting it behind me, and acting like everything is back to normal. A lot of people tell me that this -- and this alone-- is forgiveness.

But they weren’t there. They didn’t see her steadily tear down a relationship bit by bit. They don’t know the beating my heart took for 18 years. They don’t know that I couldn’t do it again, even if I tried.

No, what people don’t realized is that sometimes forgiveness is understanding that your journey with that person is over. Sometimes, forgiveness is being patient with yourself as you learn to not apologize for everything. Sometimes, forgiveness is doing what is best for the both of you. I know she doesn’t think that this is the best for her.

Maybe she resents me now. Maybe she thinks that I’m witholding my forgivness. Part of me (a part I’m not proud of) is glad that she feels unforgiven. If it’s forgiveness she wanted, maybe she should have thought about that before she made me doubt any compassion that came my way. If it’s forgiveness she wanted, she should have given hers out a long time ago. Another part of me (a part that I am learning to be proud of) hopes that someday, she will understand.

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Author’s Note: This is an entry I made about my mother in my journal on January 20, 2018. I decided to share it here.