A Letter for Her pt. II
I’m doing something I haven’t done in quite some time right now. I’m watching the sunrise as a result of a horrible night. I’m pretty sure these girls brought home a stomach bug from school and I’ve been puking and shitting my brains out all night. Regardless of how much weight I’ve lost in this eight hour period, I’m here watching the sunrise.
There’s something about the way the sky blends color better than any halfway decent color I’ve made in studio art. I remember when I was losing weight in high school, and how during that one summer I’d get up before the sun did and watch it rise while listening to Arcade Fire and The Walters. Things were a lot simpler then. I didn’t know you yet.
There’s a single resilient star poking through the trees right now that makes me think of you. The light that we see here on Earth out shines the light of most stars in the sky, but not this one; it’s still going strong. I like to think that it’s my love for you. It hasn’t faded regardless of this new light. With time, our eyes won’t be able to perceive it until sunset.
I’m sure you know about my attempt to move on. I just want someone who cares; someone stable who won’t get cold feet; someone I’d be proud to stand next to. She’s a good person, and she’s not you. Yet you still haunt me, day and night. The memory of you has left me scarred. As the day outside grows brighter and brighter with time, I can’t help but think of you. I still miss you so god damn much, Kayla. Hell, you might’ve even stopped reading these after all this time, but I can say that I haven’t stopped writing these or thinking about you.
I know I’m not the perfect man. You told me that I shouldn’t have blamed myself after what happened, but I went ahead and took responsibility anyways. I can say now that I’ve paid the price for any wrong I’ve done you. I should’ve been better. I’ve gotten the help that I clearly needed though. I’ve been “clean” for a few weeks now.
I guess there’s no clear purpose as to why I’m writing this. I saw a star that made me think of you after I’ve been shitting my guts out all night. Romantic, I know. Maybe our paths will overlap again one day. Maybe I’ll finally get that date. I’m not gonna get my hopes up though, but it would be nice, no? I’ll see you on the other side of time, Sunshine.
- Kevvo