Unsent Letters.

I sit here 
Writing letter after letter 
That I know I will never send
With each word I put to paper 
I pray that my broken heart will mend 
But I find it never does 
And each sentence I write 
Although it stems from the deepest confines of my heart 
Seems as though it is just yet another means to an end 
And 
If truth be told 
I don't want this to end. 
I find myself clinging to the memories of you 
Reliving those moments when everything was beautiful and fresh 
Lively and new 
When I saw nothing save the beauty of the stars in the sky 
And...you.
And now I'm broken 
Without anymore tears in my eyes 
And on the rare occasion that I do allow myself to cry 
I find that I sink 
So deeply into despair 
That I'm no longer surprised
I am now on familiar terms with each demon that I have met upon my journey there 
I battle each day 
A standoff between my head and my heart 
My head tells me to do the right thing by you and let you be 
But my heart- 
Oh,
my aching, stupid fucking heart. 
My heart speaks to me 
Longs for you 
And doesn't see any sense of reason in what I've already established to be true. 
I know you're happy 
And I am not 
Not without you 
And the fact that my happiness is contending 
On whether or not I am with you 
That is something I have to work through. 
I can tell you my feelings 
I can try to convey what is in my soul 
But in reality I know 
It's just best for us both 
That I move on and accept it 
And learn every day 
How to be without you 
How to let you go. 
But how do I let you go 
When you are the centerpiece of my every thought? 
When my mind is barreled down 
By all that has happened between us 
And exploring and contemplating upon what has not? 
How do I seek to fully release us both 
From a daunting yet loving and pain ridden past? 
How do I concede to moving on 
Without suddenly taking it all back? 
How do I uphold the promise I made to you 
When I am devastated 
And how do I be honest with you about all of this 
Without fear that it will be taken and misconstrued?
I don't want you because you're happy with another. 
I wanted you when I had you 
And yet 
You were not happy with me 
And it would be selfish 
To ask you to once more make such an uncertain leap 
You'd be walking blindly back into a situation you'd left behind 
But have you left it behind? 
Have you truly left me behind? 
Or do I still run through your mind? 
Do you ask yourself if you still love me
Or do you know? 
All of this is so redundant of me 
But I'm struggling so fucking hard 
To just simply let go. 
I would that you would just kill me 
Because living like this is utterly excruciating 
The unknown and the known 
The contemplation and the pain 
The struggle and the calm 
The broken-hearted scribbles on the page 
That I write that seem to lack a true end 
Crying and pouring my heart out to you 
In letter after letter 
That I know that I will never send.
©smallsiren