Love

It all started with these words. “I am sorry.” My first heartbreak, something still lurking silently in my dating life. My mom said those words to me, – a nine-year-old child – as she left my dad and me. I felt betrayed, but what would I say to my dad: he was devastated. The pile of rejection started mounting from my primary school days. My iconic rejection on valentine’s day from Misty the generous: the girl all the boys desired, and their needs were met, except me. Took a toll on my self-esteem, but I kept trying. After various rejection from numerous – I mean countless – girls, and with the toll on my self-esteem, but I kept trying. After various rejection from many – I mean countless – girls, and with my self-esteem finally crushed: I gave up. Now, I am going on a blind date. I would prefer a one-night stand, but it’s a dare and I am not going to back down.

Tonight might be the night of my dreams, but that’s if I go for it: I can just call in sick. What’s the point of doing something, if you already know the outcome? For me, you can already guess by now, the possible outcome. I remember, the last two times, my friends set me up with girls: when I still had a little hope in me. I just started gaming, – that’s a cool name, for going out to meet random girls and trying to have a nightstand with them, – and I was having high polling: two-night stands per week. I was the bomb. I was comfortable in my success, till that little advice that friends normally give you, when you are the only single one in the group: you too can find love. That’s rubbish, I believe now – and this is if you believe in a creator – that our creator built everyone different and some people are not built for love.

On my first blind date. It went like this. I dressed my best, she dressed her best too and I have to say, I was struck by her beauty. She was a ten and that’s in my rating of girls. She had a nice body shape and a beautiful walking pattern. I was in lust and I was falling fast. We tried for ten days and I was . . . I will explain further later, but our relationship ended. My second blind date was just a spawn, but with a six-month length. What is so bad with just having no-strings-attached-sex? Let me tell you the benefits: self-esteem boost, lack of emotional connectedness, STD. I am just joking, but I find nothing wrong with it.

It was only seven o’clock and I was already pondering on what would happen today. I was scared and if not for this dare, I was going to miss this blind date. Love is a difficult topic for me to discuss because anything could go wrong, and I mean with my perspective that love is not necessary.

I rose from my bed, like I carried weights on each shoulder, greeting the blinding sunlight as it showered its breath of a new day on me. As my fear of today lingered still, in the dark corners of my mind. What should I do? What should I wear? What if I don’t go? Questions that couldn’t subside with even meditation. I pondered all day on these questions, till 4 pm. Then I got a dress, prepared my mind for any psychological shock from rejection and then started my journey to the restaurant just five-blocks from my apartment.

I was grateful to myself, for taking the extra precaution of mental preparation. My blind date was Misty the generous. Now is my chance. Maybe, the last the universe will grant me.

“Hello, Misty,” I said, with a terribly forced smile: sweat ran down my fingers, my armpit was damp, my legs . . . well, use your imagination, I was dancing on the spot. It was like holding your pee, from a guidebook on how to do it unnoticeable. Many thoughts, evolved from origins unknown, till.

“Oh my God . . .” She screamed.

My hands and legs went docile. I stood still as her hands wrapped my body and her tender lips flowered my cheeks. I was shocked, as this side of Misty, was unexpected towards me.

I promised to tell you about my first date, and this is how nine days went so fast. Her name is Julia Hans and as I said, she is a goddess of beauty or maybe it was just lusting talking. My lack of trust made me too attached. I was over-involved in her life, texting her like I made an hourly documentary of the world yet to be discovered. I check every friend of hers – especially male – those before me and those that just joined, and we were not even dating yet. I was addicted to her and my fear for rejection heightened it. Nine days are enough to scare anybody away, and I did an awesome job.

I went for a serious conversation with doctors and psychologists after the end of my second blind date. I needed to stop the trend. Although I have not overcome my disbelieve in love, my clinginess has reduced or maybe it just another protective mechanism. I will never know.

I am more afraid of myself than Misty. What would do this time? Casual sex solves these problems or avoids these problems. I stared at Misty’s face, as the conversation proceeded: from basic to technical, to sexual and then to life. I am a gamer, I knew how to bend any conversation to my advantage, and I was doing a great job. We stood up and headed towards my apartment for the next proceeds. Then my phone rang.

My alarm was ringing. It was at seven o’clock. Tonight might be the night of my dreams or I can just call in sick. You might never know, but I now believe a little in love. At least, I put a smile on my face, in a dream.