A Change of Heart

I was walking along the sidewalk of downtown, on my way to the library for a small reunion of friends from my time at West Point. When I reached the library, I tentatively opened the front doors, somehow nervous about this. I continued to the back of the library where the large conference room was, and took a deep breath before entering.

I was greeted by a cacophony of voices―there were about twenty other people already there, some of which I recognized, including one of my close friends whom I had lost contact with over the past year or two.

“Ricky!” I called, making my way over to him. He grinned when he saw me and shook my hand happily.

“Jack,” he greeted. “It’d been too long, buddy.”

I noticed a man standing just behind Ricky, as if the two had just been in a deep conversation and the man was eager to resume it.

“Jack,” Ricky said, “this is my friend Clark.” He gestured to the man, who extended his hand for me to shake.

“Clark Brolin,” he said in a cheerful voice as he flicked a lock of his long hair behind his shoulder. “Ricky’s told me a lot about you, and the trouble you two used to cause.”

“Ah, yes.” I shared a knowing glance with Rickey, remembering a certain night at the academy when a few things mysteriously erupted in flames.

I pointed to Clark’s dog tag, which had slipped to the outside of his shirt. “You still wear that?”

Clark’s face darkened for a moment. “Yeah. It’s got the name of my old service dog on it.” After a pause, he added, “He, uh, was killed in an accident.” From the looks of it, his dog had really mean a lot to him.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I replied, patting his shoulder.

“You guys want to get out of here and go get a drink?” Ricky asked. “These people are boring.”

Clark and I nodded, and the three of us left and headed down the street to Ricky’s favorite bar. We sat and drank and talked for over an hour until Ricky got a phone call and said he had to go, leaving me and Clark sitting in awkward silence.

“What was your dog’s name?” I finally asked to break the silence.

“Bolt,” he said. “Like the dog in the animated movie.”

I grinned. “How adorable.” I quickly cleared my throat and stopped grinning after realizing that two burly military men were grinning and thinking about how cute a character from a children’s movie was.

Clark and I talked for what felt like just a few minutes, but the setting sun implied it had been hours. As we were walking out to go our separate ways, Clark stopped and turned to me.

“This was fun, Jack, I really enjoyed meeting you.”

“I did too,” I answered, taking myself by surprise. I never admitted when I liked something. Or someone.

“We should do this again over the weekend,” he said. “With Ricky.”

For some reason, I was a little bit disappointed when he added that part, but I couldn’t understand why I would be. “Yes,” I answered simply.

With that, we left.

Ricky couldn’t make it that weekend, so Clark and I ended up spending a lot of time talking again. Ricky couldn’t make it the next weekend or the one after that either; he had a family emergency that required him to leave town for a few months. Clark and I continued to meet up every weekend for several months, getting to know each other better and better.

On this particular evening, Clark and I were bowling, and the amount of smiles, laughter, and happiness that showed on my face was a new record for me.

I lunged and rolled my bowling ball down the lane, watching as it missed every single pin completely. I turned around and shook my head.

“How nice of you to leave all the pins for me,” Clark smirked. I caught myself staring at his face as he smirked; the way it light up his entire face made a wonderful sight.

Clark grabbed his bowling ball and sent it down the lane for a perfect strike.

“Admit it, I’m way better at this than you.”

I scoffed. “Oh it’s not even in question. You could kick my ass any day.”

After several minutes of silence, Clark asked, “How’s your summer camp going?”

I had told him about the camp I ran over one of our meetings, and he had seemed very intrigued and curious about it.

“It’s pretty good, although we’re a bit short on staff right now.”

Clark chewed his lip. “You know, I could help out. I don’t have a job right now and I could use the money. Plus, it’d be nice to work with the kids.”

“Really?” I asked, excited about the idea.

“Yeah, it would be great! If it works with you, of course.”

“I’ll show you around the camp tomorrow and you can decide if you still want to,” I said.

The next day rolled around and I drove to Clark’s place to pick him up and drive him to the camp. During the trip, I described what his jobs would be, and I was surprised when he got even more excited as I kept listing on and on.

We got to the camp and I showed him around. Some of the kids came running over to meet Clark, and I watched the way he talked to them so perfectly. I left him to talk to the kids for a moment while I searched for Evangeline, eventually finding her sitting under a nearby tree.

“I see you brought a friend,” she said without looking up at me, engrossed in her book which seemed to be written in Russian.

“Yes, he’s thinking of helping out around here. What do you think of him?”

She looked up and removed her sunglasses to get a good look at him as he crouched down to help one of the youngest kids tie their shoe.

Evangeline shrugged. “Aside from him being good with the kids and having an ability, I don’t know.”

“He is good with the kids.” My eyes widened. “Wait, what?! He’s one of . . . your kind?”

She blinked slowly at me before saying a drawn out, “Yeah,” as if it were obvious.

“Oh,” I said, unsure of what else to say. I wondered how he had managed to keep it a secret for months without me accidentally seeing. A small part of me was disappointed that he hadn’t told me. But for some inexplicable reason, no part of me thought any less of him as I did with most other Mistakes.

I strode over to Clark, saying, “So Clark, what do you think?”

He seemed to have a now-permanent grin. “I love it here, these kids are great. Can I help out around here for the summer?”

“Of course! I’m glad you want to.”

“Yay!” Clark gave a childish little hop of excitement, and he wrapped his arms around me in a hug, taking me off guard. My arms looped around him of their own accord, but I secretly enjoyed having him so close to me.

Over the next few weeks, Clark spent a lot of extra time with the kids, even after his jobs were done for the day. At one point, Evangeline caught me watching Clark, and she looked back and forth between us with a strange expression on her face before walking over to me.

“Are you going to bring him to the facility?” she asked nonchalantly.

“No,” I blurted without even thinking about it.

She quirked an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“Because I said so,” I snapped. “Enough questions, now shoo.”

“Clark!” I called, motioning for him to come over. He stalked over and I led him to my cabin so we could talk in privacy.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I’m just wondering what you think so far. Of the camp, the kids, your jobs.”

“It’s all really fun! And now I get to see you more often than every weekend, which is even better.” He draped his arm over my shoulders in an odd way.

I willed myself not to redden, but failed. I stood there staring blankly at the handsome face in front of me, thinking of how happy I’ve been since meeting Clark a little under a year ago.

“There’s something I want to tell you,” I began, my hands twitching nervously.

Clark waited patiently.

“I’ve only ever been attracted to girls, but . . . if what I feel right now isn’t attraction, then I don’t know what is.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. I stood there speechless, unable to think of a logical response to his question without making this situation worse than it already was.

“I . . .” I trailed off, thinking this was a horrible idea.

“You what?” he asked softly, goading me to finish my sentence.

I gently grabbed his wrist and removed his hand from my shoulder. “I have to go. There are some things I need to consider and I can’t think when you’re looking at me like that.” Seeing the expression on his face, I added, “I’m sorry. Really, I am.” With that, I slowly turned and walked away.

As I lay in bed that night, trying to fall asleep, I wondered what Clark was thinking about now after the strangeness of earlier. I sighed and silently cursed myself for acting so stupidly, but eventually drifted off to sleep. I woke with a start to a knocking on my door. I glanced at my clock, which read 5:21. I groaned and threw off my blankets and opened the door to find Clark.

“Clark,” I said, surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he replied. “Sorry if I woke you.”

“Nah, I was already up,” I lied. I opened the door further and ushered him in, dusting off a chair by the fireplace for him to sit in. I put a kettle for tea on the stove, and went to sit next to Clark while I waited for it to boil.

“So why couldn’t you sleep?” I asked.

He swallowed. “I was thinking about what you said earlier―well, what you sort of said.” He chuckled.

“Oh, yeah, that.” I looked down out of embarrassment.

“I’m pretty sure I know what you were trying to say.”

I looked up at him. “You do?”

“Maybe. But I want to hear you say it anyway.” He smirked at me.

“Um, alright.”

“I mean right now, Jack,” he added, his smile growing wider.

I took a deep breath. “I like you Clark.”

He furrowed his brow. “I know, I like you too.”

I shook my head. “No, I mean―”

Clark smacked my arm. “I’m just messing with you.”

“You know, you’re making this very difficult,” I said, glaring at him.

Clark waved his hand, indicating for me to continue.

Maybe if I just got it out quickly it would be easier. “I’ve never been attracted to a man before, but I feel things when I’m around you. I think I love you.” I said it all in one breath, as fast as I could.

Clark just sat there for what felt like an eon without saying a word.

“Well?” I asked.

“I’m considering,” he said.

“Considering what?” I asked nervously.

“If I should tell you I feel the same way or just freaking kiss you.”

I smiled. “Why not both?”

Clark leaned forward in his chair, so that our knees were now touching. “I like you Jack. A lot. As more than a friend. Wow, I’m making this sound awkward.” We both laughed for a moment before falling silent and staring at each other, embarrassed. Clark suddenly leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine softly. The kettle squealed in the kitchen, making me jump.

“I should go get that,” I said, clearing my throat.

“Or, you could, you know, stay here and keep kissing me,” Clark suggested.

I smiled at him. “I like that option.”