Depression

Is it wrong that I relish that feeling of darkness? I know the problem is the depression itself and that I sound like an emo teen, but I do like it. In many ways I feel like the shiny, sunny, cheerful, bright, and all that side of me is false. That no matter how hard I try to be happy it is just a facade.

I'm too perfect, I have a good life, a good job, and I'm healthy. So why do I wish I was blind, or that I didn't have a hand or a foot, or that I had lung problems, or that I had a mental illness to struggle through. Is that it? I want to struggle through something? Am I some kind of sick masochist just to feel something? And yet when I don't achieve greatness in something, when I fail, I hate it. I always want to be the best at everything. So why do I seek pain and suffering when I also shy away from it so that I only do things that I am good at?

This is why I relish those depressive moods. It makes me feel as though something is wrong with me... perhaps something is...