My Built-In Bastard Alarm

Mother always told me, in more child-friendly terms, to steer clear of bastards.

You stick with the people who are nice to you, don’t waste time on anyone else, she said.

But how to spot one before it’s too late? They are a varied breed, coming in various guises.

Under no circumstances should you let one walk you home.

If you have led an untarnished life and are as yet unschooled in detecting bastardry,

Let me forewarn you of the common danger signs.

Take a seat. Sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin.

Indicators of bastardry may be multiple or few, but they are always perceptible.

Never be fooled by any ingratiating first introductions, that’s how they draw you in.

Bastards phrase questions as though they were statements, because they know all the answers.

A smile is either too forced, with no wrinkles around the eyes, or substituted with a smirk.

Striving is for losers. If there’s a test, they aren’t going to put the work in.

The answers will be handed to them on a plate by that dweeb they’ve got under their thumb.

A queue in which a bastard is in front is not a queue to the bastard’s mind, but a crowd of spectators.

Rather than seek help to battle their demons, their self-chosen therapy is to belittle others.

Discourse with bastards is one-sided. They interrupt your explanations and then they’re

Angry at you because you still haven’t given them an explanation! What a nerve!

Limp is the handshake offered by a bastard. If offered at all.

A parting piece of advice: should a bastard inspire you to imitate them, then

Run, non-bastard, run, because

Mother taught you better, thank goodness.