f o u r / m o n t h s

i visited your grave yesterday.

unlike the movies, it didn’t rain.

the sun hung high in the clear sky,

kissing us all with gentle light.

but all i want is to be kissed

by you.

it’s been four months.

four months and one day ago,

we kissed for the last time.

but i was angry;

god, i was furious.

i remember screaming at you,

but i’ve forgotten what for.

even though i was yelling at you,

you pulled me close. and

with your fingers of honey

you drew hearts on my bare chest.

you knew i wasn’t really angry at you.

you knew it was something else.

you always knew, even when i didn’t.

i didn’t want to kiss you.

i didn’t even want to touch you.

tears were streaming down my face too

and then our lips touched and our salty tears mixed,

forming a bond i thought would last forever.

i’m so sorry.

i should’ve known.

i didn’t realize how bad it had gotten for you.

when your sister died, i didn’t fully realize how much of a

void that left in you.

maybe it was because i never had a sister.

or parents, really.

i was always on my own, until you.

i thought i was enough for you too.

i’m sorry for being selfish.

i’m sorry for being angry that i wasn’t enough to make you happy.

i’m so sorry that you felt like nothing would ever get better.

i wish i never would’ve let you leave when i knew you were drunk.

i knew.

i thought you were just going to go to a friend to rant about me.

i never would’ve let you leave

if i knew what you were planning to do.

never.

i visited your grave yesterday.