Letting Go

Sitting here trying to be ever present in her life has become increasingly daunting these past few years. I promised her that I would always protect her and look after her, but I've been feeling a pull away from her more and more lately. Before, it was a faint suggestive nod, like a whispered insinuation of discernment, reminiscent of a “you understand” statement where I inherently know what this emotion I'm feeling is. Now, it's more prevalent, the recognition of its presence reverberates immensely with each passing moment. Is there more out there for me to discover? Have I somehow doomed myself for an eternity lingering in this self-induced purgatory? What is left for me? I used to look upon her face and my eyes filled with unconditional love. I not only saw what I deemed as the personification of what the term love means, but I saw myself in her. In every way, she was, and still is the reflection of me. Maybe that is a narcissistic ideal, loving parts of a person that mirror your own, but to me that is the base of resonance, a commonalty in which a bond is formed and a foundation of the dynamic people share builds. The inside jokes, the shared glances in which no words are exchanged, yet a subtle level of understanding takes hold resulting in a smile knowing each of you are on the same wave length. There is a certain power in that.

The parallels between her and I have grown, more so since I've taken on this new direction in our dynamic. I've been more present in her life than I ever was before. Every waking moment I spend by her side. Every breath she breathes, and step she takes, every decision she makes, I am there. Much to my chagrin, I must endure her every action. Before this started, my mother came to me and asked me to come with her and to leave my beloved's side. She told me that she would only come to me this one time and if I chose to stay, I will cut off my one and possibly only real opportunity at a heavenly existence, but knowing how dear the bond I shared meant, I declined, falling from my mother's good graces and haven't seen or heard from her since. It’s been nearly 11 years and I fear that I have missed out on my real destiny. My personality has always been one of adventure. I dislike routine and I thirst for knowledge and experiences. I long for different surroundings and exotic sights one can taste with their eyes. There is a conflict within my being that fights with my current reality making me crave an exodus. My only apprehension is the betrayal of my promise to my love. I've witnessed the nights of endless tears and prayers for enduring strength that went so long, she slipped into a exhausted stupor. I’ve been to graduations and birthday celebrations and vacations. I've stood with her on her wedding day, wiped her tears of joy while whispering encouraging sentiments, “Daddy’s here, I'm always here for you. I love you baby girl".

I have lived for this girl, this woman, her entire life. Since the day she first opened her eyes, until the fateful day I closed mine, nothing has separated us. Now is the time though, I know I can finally let her go from my constant gaze. I'm sure I will never be free from this nagging guilt, but hopefully one day when the time arises, she will join me and we explore the eternity together again.