In Time

People have been asking me how I'm doing and if I'm alright and on que my response is always a "yes", but that is the furthest thing from the truth. I am not alright. I am walking around in a perpetual sense of denial. I am separating  my conscious mind from my reality and choosing to focus on my daily duties in life like taking my child to school and picking her up, going to the grocery store and other tasks of that nature. I am attempting to deny myself the harsh reality that I face with the loss of my two greatest influences in my life, my parents. Both passed away due to illnesses within a two week period of each other. One loss is devastating, but two is life shattering and I am having a hard time coping.

We all, the majority anyways, deal with death in a way that we, consciously or subconsciously, try not to think about. We attempt to put it out of our minds. I know I will die one day, but ideally it will be surrounded by immediate family at the ripe old age of 100. This is the one thing, most people want to put off as long as possible. But what happens when you are given a time frame on the number of days you have to walk this earth? The denial and avoidance may occur and the "why me's" and the "why God's" surface as well, but eventually the acceptance sets in. At least I hope it does. At that point, do things become more precious? Do the seconds, minutes, hours and days that are taken for granted become the invaluable golden grains of sand that occupy our lives finite hour glass of time?

     With my parents, in a sense, I am trying to not think of them as deceased, simply rationalizing it like they are on an extended vacation, but at times when I need advice or want to talk, that void, that deep dark caverness void is felt torturing my soul. It leaves me with feelings of a piercing flaming spear ripping gaping holes through my emotions. It is the hulking elephant in the room that I don't want to aknowledge and it's bearing down on my thoughts so much so, that when the subject of the two is brought to my attention, I crumble to pieces. I pride myself on not being overly emotional, but there are times when I'm by myself, an overwhelming sense of hurt consumes me and I'm flooded with feelings I try unsuccesfully to supress and bury. I am not fine, but it's OK.

    I am of the firm belief that whatever you are dealing with in life can be overcome in time with patience, perseverance and understanding. You have to be patient with the situation, whatever it may be no matter how daunting. It will not last. Like a surfer riding a wave, there are highs and lows that life throws at you. See the experience for what it is. You have the persevere through it in order to come out on the other side with a new and hopefully deeper level of understanding. I am still working on that. For now, I am mourning my losses and riding this wave of emotion. I remember the lessons my parents taught me and my siblings which reverberate in my mind and are ever present when I make decisions and I am slowing becoming the man they wanted me to be. A man that is independent,  dependable and responsible for his own family. I have big shoes to fill and I can't thank them enough, right now I'm at a loss for sure, but in time I will be able to say that I'm truly "fine" and mean it.