Have You Seen Her?

Falling for something isn’t easy.

It doesn’t always have to be a someone, just... just a something.

Loving a something isn’t easy either, especially when that something isn’t something tangible. When that something is something you can’t hold in your arms and kiss and embrace and massage and nuzzle, your love is harder.

See, there’s me, who is in love with the idea of being in love.

I’ve been in relationships before. There was John, Kaleb, Harry, Peter, Josie, Aaron, John again, Ashley, Harriet, Hannah, and more. The relationships were good while they lasted, with the kissing, embracing, massaging, nuzzling, loving, and more, but they weren’t what I needed. They didn’t satisfy that longing lingering in the pit of my stomach and in the bones in my legs and in the back of my mind. It didn’t satisfy that hole in my heart that kept me stumbling from person to person like they were doctors and I was going to die in a day. They kept me stumbling. The doctors all told me I was immature and delusional, needing something completely different, only they didn’t say “something,” they said “someone.” They all told me I needed “someone” who could scratch that itch, hit that nerve with a hammer, and tear me apart from the inside out.

I don’t think I can find that someone, though. I can only find that something, and I’ll have to settle with it. There’s no way I can find that someone when I can’t find that something anymore.

I’ve lost my love, and I can’t even try to find it anymore. It’s hiding from me in Africa, or maybe in Canada, or maybe even in my blind spot under my nose.

Has anyone seen her? Has anyone seen the jaws of love, biting down on them and gnashing them into bits? What about an arrow protruding from your shoulder or chest? Have you seen the beautiful woman they call Aphrodite lurking around the corner?

I can’t find her, and I’ve been searching since I was thirteen.

I’m starting to give up on my search.

I can see her clearly in my mind’s eye, though. Every time I close my eyes, I see her smiling at me, beckoning me forward with her loving red-lipped smile of desire. I see her long hair flowing out behind her like a ribbon. Her eyes are wide and full of temptation. She’s wishing to lay me out on a bed and tear me apart from the inside out, hit that nerve with her hammer, and scratch that itch on the portion of my back that I can’t reach.

That’s why I haven’t given up my search. That image draws me closer every time.

I wonder if I would find her if I closed my eyes forever.