I Should have ate Bologna and other mindless ranting

Rain didn't always make me feel lousy. Rain used to be kind of nice in its own way when I was little still and could count on the protection of my mom and dad and big brother. Funny how now not only the rain makes me feel as dreary and bleak as it makes the outside world look and feel, my family, which used to be a source of comfort are now part of the reason rain can make me cry.

See, it used to be that when it was stormy and raining, my big brother and sometimes my mother too, would set up games like Monopoly and Stockticker (can you believe no-one knows what the game Stockticker is anymore?--I tried to find it this last Christmas and no one, but no one had heard of it let alone carried it) and if we were really lucky my brothers freinds, Ron and Dave McKibbon would come over and play too. The group of us would sit around the old card table in my brother's room or sometimes around the kitchen table if my mother was playing too and we'd eat the snacks my mom would put out, but no pop, my family didn't splurge when it came to snacks and stuff, pop was for rich people and people who didn't care what went into their bodies and wasted all their money on stuff they didn't need. But I digress. We would have bowls of Nazis if it was around Christmas time and if it wasn't maybe just some pretzels or crackers or salami sandwiches made on homemade rye which everyone seemed to like except me who longed for white bread and bologna (another thing that only people who didn't care about what they put into their bodies and wasted all their money on bad stuff like pop would buy, but instead of rich people too, it was just poor people without enough sense or money to eat something else that ate bologna and white bread. And maybe a few Italian families. I'm not too sure on that one.)

I am eight years younger than my brother so you can see where it would have felt all safe in a rain storm being with him and his freinds playing a board game snug inside with my mom and dad nearby for good measure. But now I don't have them anymore.

Not cause they are all dead either. If that was the case then maybe rain wouldn't have the ability to make me feel so crappy but they're not. Mom is alive and so is my brother. Dad died about nine years ago. It was the bravest thing he ever did with in his whole life (dying that is) and the one thing I have respect for him for.

My mother is 86 now and she can't protect me anymore. She is so mired with her own thoughts on death and the end that anything happening in my life might as well be happening on another planet for all the impact it has on her. If I do tell her anything she just sighs all stressed out sounding like, and says how much it worries her but why I don't know. Its not like she does anything about it or like if affects her life in anyway. And in the next hour or even less its all forgotten anyway. She's go it beat. My dad left her all the money and my brother is making sure its looked after right.

That is if right is making sure that his daughter and he and his wife get the lions share of it in the end. He's already been given hundreds of thousands of dollars and my mom just finished signing over the family home along with all its contents (all my memories and board games on rainy days) to his daughter who for some unknown reason hates my guts even though I may have spoke to her a handful of times in my entire life. Her and her Ouzbekistainian boyfreind who has a 100,000 dollar truck on payments but doesn't hold down a full time job now own my families house while I am struggling to find a place that I can afford to live and the rents just keep going up.

Somehow that pretty little blond haired girl who needed protecting from storms and bologna and too much pop turned into the perfect black sheep for this family. The person designated to take the fall for all imperfections and wrong doings committed. My brother has seen to that. Mom says he wouldn't dare be so awful to me if dad was still alive but then why can he do it now? How can he hold my mother so scared of him that he can threaten her with being cut off from him and his greatness if she continues to have contact with me? She hasn't completely cut me off yet, but close and now that the house is gone?????

So ya, when I see rain now it makes me sad. It reminds me of the times that arent anymore and it reminds me that even families can turn against eachother and hurt eachother worse than anyone else. I might have well have ate balongna when I was young.