Cancelled (Revised)

I stared down at him for a second and then rolled my eyes towards the ceiling. My chest rose and fell with an unsteady breath.

“Yeah,” I said, into the phone. I gripped the phone a little tighter, fearing that my shaking hands might drop it. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“But you promised.” My little sister’s voice came through the speaker, a high pitched whine. Lexi was more than a decade than younger than me. Yet, to her, the separation in age was nothing--we were sisters and that was mattered. The last time I had stopped by home, Lexi’s had been the only arms that wrapped around my waist, the only lips that had whispered ‘I love you’ in my ears. Mom had stood in the kitchen, her arms folded, her expression hard, hers eye telling me that I wasn’t welcome under her roof anymore.

Dinner that night was the most awkward in my life. And when Lexi had invited me to her eighth birthday party, I had tried my best to ignore eye-contact with anyone but the little girl. I had accepted and Lex was thrilled. Mom couldn’t crush her.

That didn’t--however--mean that she was happy about any of it. She was probably scared that I would let down my little sister.

Maybe she had good reason.

“You promised.” Lexi repeated.

Those words. It was a vice was placed around my heart and clamped down on it. “Yeah, I know” I paused, inhaling slowly. “Things got a little complicated over here, though. I don’t know if I’ll be back in time for the party.”

“You said that you were going to come. I set you a spot at the table and everything.”

I looked down, once again, momentarily distracted from Lexi’s words. I felt fingers, warm and clammy, intertwining with mine. Claye squeezed my hand weakly. The corners of his lips twitched as though he was trying to say something. I blinked hard.

This was helpless felt like, huh?

“Jess? I thought you were going to meet all of my friends.”

I pressed the phone hard against my ear. “Yeah, sweetheart, but something came up--”

“It’s for your job?” Lexi’s voice took on a hard edge.

“Yeah, it’s--”

“I hate your job.” I could imagine Lexi’s face: her eyebrows drawn low on her forehead, defiantly, her chin jutting out, lips pulled tight, nose in need of a tissue. I imagined her argrily wiping away a betraying tear and then planting her hand firmly on her hip, the other gripping the phone tightly.

I looked down at Claye and tried not to feel trapped.

“Look, I can’t talk right now, sweetheart.” I tried again.

“Why not?” Her voice took on a sarcastic tone. “ What do you even do all day?”

I gritted my teeth. “I can’t really talk about it, Lex. That’s part of the job. But, sweetie, I have to go right now--”

“Why?” She repeated.

“Something came up. An emergency,”

“More important than me?”

I fought the urge to scream, swallowing down the sound. “No, sweetheart, but someone….” I bit my lip, not sure I could finish that sentence. I squeezed Claye’s hand. “Someone needs my help.”

“Yeah? Who?”

“Someone important.”

“You promised, I thought you kept your promises.”

The words were like physical blows. My heart ached.

Why was it always me in these situations? Maybe I should get a change in occupation.

My hand wandered down to Claye’s forehead. I brushed my fingers over his clammy skin--he had stopped sweating long ago. His skin was hotter than ever, the fever was rising. I brushed my fingers along his cheek and elicited no response from his cloudy eyes. I wasn’t even sure that he could see me.

My gaze wandered to the crimson stain at his abdomen. I looked away quickly, preferring to look up at the stormy gray sky than at the wound that was ruining my life.

Come on, Claye, I thought. You can’t die on me now.

Please, I thought.

Please. You promised.

The sharp irony of the situation was like salt in a wound.

“Sorry,” I whispered. My throat felt parched. “I’m so sorry, Lex,”

I hung up the phone before Lexi could answer. The phone beeped with a note of finality. I let my head fall forward slightly, feeling defeated.

“Claye?” I mumbled.

There was whistle of breath by my ear. Pressure on the hand the hand that held mine. I shifted, moving away enough to see his lips.

He was mouthing something. No sound came out. But I could tell exactly what he was trying to say.

Go.

“Claye?” I sat back up, fear squeezing my chest, strangling me from the inside. “Claye, talk to me.”

His gaze wouldn’t meet mine. Hazel eyes pointed rigidly at the sky. He blinked once, the rest of his body frighteningly still.

“Claye?” I said louder, this time. No response.

It was a second before I noticed that the night had become eerily silent. His ragged breaths no longer filled the air.

My heart seized. Sweat coated my palm. I clenched his hand in mine, trying to feel something--anything.

Pulse. I thought. Pulse. There should be a pulse.

My fingers felt thick and clumsy as I turned over his wrist and laid my fingers across it. I froze, my breath caught up in my chest. Every muscle in my body felt tense and weak and shaky all at once.

One. Two. Three. Four.

The seconds passed like millenia.

….Eight. Nine. Ten.

Nothing.

Nothing.

“Claye?”

There was no answer. There was nothing.

Tears wouldn’t come. I felt empty. I couldn’t bring myself to look in his eyes again.

Trembling hands grasped my phone. I dialed Lexi’s number. The ringtone sounded haunting in the empty air.

“Hello?” Lexi said. “Change your mind, did you?”

I shut my eyes and felt very much like breaking.

“Y-yeah,” I whispered.

“You’re coming?”

“I think I can make it,”

Tears came just then, streaming down my face, silently.

“Really?”

“Yeah, plans got canceled.”