nice guys

you always here women say, "why can't I find a nice guy?" i've said it plenty of times. i've dated some real pieces of work. liars, cheaters, alcoholics, handsy, violent. i've said countless times how i'll never date another asshole. never another player. never another drinker. nevernevernever. but guess what? i always do! because i want to help them. fix them. change their old, bad habits and make good ones. it doesn't end well, for either party. fighting, resentment, loads of swearing. all the ugliness i ignored in favor of my love spill out over every happy moment we shared.

then, i met a great guy. caring, gentle, understanding, open-minded. completely charming and funny. a real hard-working guy. he's gorgeous too. doesn't abuse alcohol, or me. concerned about how i'm doing, how work is, my day-today life. my hopes, dreams, plans for my future. wants to be a part of it, too. takes me out. we have fun. he doesn't push to have sex. a real gentleman.

i want so much to return his love and affection. but i'm nasueated by his jokes and smile. the sweet gestures and carefully planned dates infuriate me. those gentle hands are intolerable on my skin. and every tender kiss makes my stomach clench and bile swims up my throat.

and there i go. running 800mph as far as possible. i don't deserve that kind of man. i'm far too damaged. poisioned by things better left in the dark. i just run. runrunrun and never look back. i run into the arms of the first douche i find. i smile at the comfort of too rough hands and whiskey breath.