The Past

Though it may be quite jumbled and erratic, the emotion behind this piece is so weighted and raw that I decided to post it anyway. It was from a few years ago at a difficult time in my life. I hope that it will even make sense.

It’s hard to put into words how I’m feeling. The want I want is screaming and the breath that comes just won’t relieve me. Craving for something I just can’t put my finger on. Always running and doing, but one step behind is where I stay. Sinking deeper and deeper I’m falling. World out of control, when will it stop.

Repeat, repeat, repeat, I’m tired my mind goes too fast. I’m the tortoise my mind the hare. My body is spinning, spinning on a ferris wheel that just won’t stop, while everyone else is on a racetrack that I want to ride. Throwing, throwing, they hit me with water balloons filled with their coldness, left to freeze in the breeze of their words. I’ll never dry. Let it out-I need... I want to cry. Flip it, flip the switch just won’t work. I want to feel it again the contentment I used to have for myself. When I was happy with myself and my life, regardless of the good or the bad. I try, try so hard to be who I want to be but my heart isn’t wanting to do what my brain is yearning for. I see the image but it’s not so clear. If I could put into words or canvas or sculpture I would. It’s still so blurry I want to see. Time, time, time never enough but still so long. Why can’t I just do what I want to do. Damit! Let me be! I just want to scream. Solitude is what I want. If only for a bit, it will help a bit. The thoughts of what I am waiting for will not let me rest. Damn it, damn it. I want to make you proud of me but I struggle, struggle the pressure is so tight. Why did I let you grow so quick the expectation I want are not as they should be. Understanding for what I know feel but won’t show... only frustration is there pushing away. Let go of yesterday so I can live in today. Remember and learn what I say. But applying, applying is my demon. Apply what I see, hear, feel and touch. It won’t happen, no one knows how I really feel. It’s ok I’m not sure for myself. What I want to do I just can’t do. But only for just thinking and not getting it done. This will pass as it has in the past disappointment I only feel for myself. Expectations not unreasonable. Waste, waste, waste of time. I’m good at that, I waste this precious time for I feel if I start only another stone with be thrown to block my move. Why can’t I be who I want to be. I’m losing who I am... will I still know who I am? Big pile of spilled paint. Why or will my splatter make a Monet’ a Picasso? I know my day will come. Waiting waiting waiting, but it’s so slow slow slow.