Logic It Like a Vulcan

Professionalism = the sad mix of polite regard and cold courtesy that keeps my primitive urges in check

As a youth I never talked back or argued with my parents. Ever. It sounds absurd, especially for a teenager, but I had my reasons which I'll set aside for a make-believe therapy session on another day.

To date, I still suck at expressing rage or anger. I often do, but not directly. I avoid confrontation like the plague because I have no idea how to handle it. Part of me feels like I'd crumple into a ball; another part of me feels like I'd knock someone out. Since neither outcome seems great I avoid it altogether.

Most of my day-to-day interactions happen at work, so it is here that my inner thoughts tumble and roll like socks in a dryer. It takes time for my emotions to catch up to me - a glib comment, a simple request, an innocent remark here or there will not stir me until my mind has had time to toss it about and determine how it feels.

This leaves me at a disadvantage in most social situations, because I can't quickly or efficiently state what bothers me. For example, I may be asked to assist someone with their work.

Outwardly, my initial response is: "Sure, I can help with that."

Inwardly, my thought process goes: "Wait, how come you're not handling this yourself? Everyone else does. And how come you asked me and not that guy? This isn't my job or even his job, it's your job and you should be taking care of it. You've got more seniority than either of us, WTF! I am NOT a hired nanny, learn to manage your own damn time! You're sitting back there doing nothing most of the day and I've already taken care of five orders in the past two hours, what are you even DOING with all your time?? God, you probably make more than me too, this is such a waste of my potential - why doesn't management call out or check any of this shit---"

-- and so on and so forth.

The problem here, really, is logic. Buried beneath the towel cycle of my thoughts lies the little dryer sheets that smooth everything out. My colleagues need better time management skills, sure. I need to learn to say no when I have enough on my plate, that's on me. Seniority grants little perks like delegation that I just have to live with, I get it.

Therefore each day I steel myself and try to remember:

Vulcan it out.

Hold those pesky emotions in check that don't get you anywhere but to the bar after work.

Analyze your response and the situation from a third-party perspective and identify what you can control, and what you cannot.

Eliminate factors that muddle your thinking and bog you down with unecessary grief or resistance, such as high expectations for others or yourself. Keep it basic.

Identify logical, non-emotional responses that address your concerns without expressing undue remorse or judgement - such as "I'm afraid I am working on this other project right now that needs done today, but perhaps someone else could assist you?"

I'm still working on my Vulcan meditations. I dream that one day my blood will run green enough I will succeed in conquering my emotions and addressing the small, illogical forces that drive them.

Rather than launching the McCoy-style rants that sour my beer instead.