Li’l Mike is learning to fly

“Hi Mike! Didn’t I tell you not hang off a branch so high up? If you fall off from up there you could be badly hurt. Nobody from inside the house can even hear you. Come down slowly.”

“Hi Uncle! Actually, I am trying to see if I could fly. David tells me to first practice jumping from branch to branch like a monkey. When I am tired I can take a short break by hanging off high enough branches like a chimpanzee. If I keep practicing like this for a month and then manage to pass the test, he will teach me the next lesson on flying. He tells me it’s a step-by-step process and if I seriously follow his lessons I could be flying in a year. He also warns me that no friend of his has completed all the lessons. But he thinks I could be the first student to successfully complete them all, as I am the smartest kid he has ever known.”

“Why? Did you threaten to drop him from your soccer team?”

“No. Not at all. He is just helping me to acquire the skill of flying.”

“What does he know about flying? The fact that he plays as a goalie does not qualify him as someone who is capable of flying. That’s totally delusional.”

“I chose him to be our goalie because he is capable of flying. He is actually an alien. He is from an alien land called Ho-Ho-Kus. He tells me only aliens are allowed in Ho-Ho-Kus where everyone flies.”

“Mike, have you ever seen him fly?”

“No. He tells me he loses his alien power as soon as he leaves Ho-Ho-Kus. When he visits his fellow aliens during the summer break, he flies around with them. Do you know no cars are allowed there? They only ride bikes in the sky, even at night. For easy in and out, shopping centers have roof-top parking only. He told us so many good stories about aliens. We all love his stories. He says he loves to ride his bike at night under moonlight. They even have a midnight bike racing competition every summer which he also participates in. The night of the championship each year the human folks from the neighboring towns are allowed in Ho-Ho-Kus to watch the magnificent race in the sky. One year he won the competition, beating even the E.T. The kids there often race with hawks and falcons.”

“How come he doesn’t look like an alien from the books – those with the snaky vibrant eyes, without any flesh on the cheeks?”

“We once asked him the same question. He maintains although our books tend to portray aliens as having mean, ugly and scary looks, they are essentially human-looking with paranormal abilities. In fact, the E.T. looks more like us than was portrayed in the movie. Every time we talk about E.T., David loves to rub in how he came from behind to defeat the E.T., finally winning even the championship. Of course, he doesn’t share this secret with anyone else outside of our group for fear of being repudiated. Our lips are zipped – we don’t share this with anyone. You are the first person outside of our group I am sharing the secret with.”

“You didn’t share it with even Granny?”

“I did. Once.”

“You must have shared with others too?”

“Yeah, with my cousins.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Because I was short on cash.”

“So you are telling me you are basically selling your top secret without letting your friends know? I have a word of advice for you: Whatever you choose to do when you grow up, just don’t be an intelligence agent.”

“You are totally wrong there. When I have a job I won’t be running short on cash so I don’t think I would compromise. I wish they didn’t increase the price of candy bars. Moreover, I stopped selling the spare candy bars to my group. It’s all cutting into pocket.”

“Did you share David’s paranormal ability with Gauti?”

“I did. Initially, he didn’t believe in any of that. Later, after having listened to us repeatedly, he opened up his mind a little. He thought David could be of great help for their temple. The temple committee was trying to get the golden dome on top of the main structure cleaned. They trained two resident monkeys for the job. But they would just go up there, sit on the dome, chat with each other and come down without doing any cleaning whatsoever. So Gauti asked David if he would try his flying power to help clean up the tomb. He even offered David the services of the temple hypnotist had he needed any help to ignite his dormant power here?”

“Did David help them out?”

“He wanted to, but he couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because he is severely allergic to monkeys. Since they have resident monkeys, he doesn’t want to even go close to the temple. It could even trigger his childhood asthma.”

“Mike, finally you are telling me there is even a bigger con artist in the group? Don’t you see he has been faking the whole thing? Listen, if he is capable of flying in Ho-Ho-Kus, he should be able to fly anywhere. It’s the same sky!”

“Uncle, you now sound just like Gauti. He says exactly the same thing as you do, but I must disagree with both of you. David will teach me how to fly and we will participate together in next year’s bike competition in his alien land. I have to beat both E.T. and David, thereby establishing myself as the Supreme Commander of the aliens. I just have to learn to fly fast. Today, I practiced the monkey jumps; tomorrow, I will practice the chimpanzee hanging. I have to ask David if I should attach some feathers to my outfits to make me feel lighter, thus navigating the sky faster.”

“Mike, don’t you think you should have a heart-to-heart chat with the President about your grand alien plans? I hear our President is also looking for some fresh and forward-looking ideas on defense and military.”

“Yes, I plan on asking the President and the entire White House staff to come down to Ho-Ho-Kus to get a firsthand experience of what the real aliens are like. They would thus realize that the real aliens are just like humans, having the additional paranormal power. I will also tell the President to allocate a big portion of the US Defense Budget to the development of alien space ships, have the entire military retrained by the Ho-Ho-Kus aliens, and have the Rose Garden converted to a space ship factory. We need the smartest military led by the invincible. Also, the existing alien space ships have to be redesigned, allowing more leg space for the captain. I don’t want to be inconvenienced. Finally, I have to tell the President to ban all of those movies where aliens have been portrayed as human-haters and evil-looking. David thinks I should also talk to the President to pass laws banning all discriminations against aliens, particularly in schools, jobs and housing.”

“Do you guys have any plans to reduce the traffic jam and pollution in big cities?”

“David informs me Los Angeles has too much of smog and pollution owing to the excessive traffic. We will therefore build a new factory in Los Angeles to manufacture flying bikes for all residents. Since the bikes are much smaller and smoke-free, the lighter jam in the sky would be more acceptable and residents would breathe cleaner air. David agrees with me that once the people are trained to fly bikes we should ban all street vehicles as well as all airplanes there. Since David’s dad is also an alien and is looking for a better job, he thinks his dad should run the new Los Angeles factory. We will also propose to convert the Los Angeles airport to a second bike factory to expand the bike movement into other major cities in California. As the Supreme Commander of the Ho-Ho-Kus aliens I will inaugurate both factories by cutting red ribbons. David will contact the White House to borrow President’s Air Force One aircraft to transport me to Los Angeles, welcoming me with a red carpet military salute.”

“Mike, don’t you think all these achievements might annoy the non-Ho-Ho-Kus aliens to a tipping point and a war could break out?”

“In that case, I would move on to other safer and more rewarding pursuits, making David the Supreme Commander of the Ho-Ho-Kus. He enjoys power so he wouldn’t think I was chickening out. I don’t want to be killed by some stupid aliens. I might come back if Ho-Ho-Kus wins the war. They might need a real leader again.”

“Mike, let me give you a good piece of business advice: You and David should open up an online hallucination business. You guys will make money hand over fist. In no time you will have at least billon visitors from around the world. Just make an initial computer animation video showing you and David are competing with E.T. in the sky. It will definitely go viral.”

“Uncle, there goes my alarm, reminding us that the lesson time is over. Plus, I gave my most expensive secret away, making today’s session the most expensive one ever, so I have to insist on being paid by my favorite face on the dollar bill which is the hundred bill. Anything less will terribly upset me. You don’t want to upset your most favorite nephew, do you? If you ever do that, Granny would be very upset. Remember, Granny is your mother so she can always beat you.”

“Mike, do you know Ho-Ho-Kus is a small town in New Jersey?”

“I get it. You are telling me the non-Ho-Ho-Kus warring aliens could come from a stronger state like New York. What difference does it make to me? If a war breaks out, David will be in charge. Once the war is over, I will return to bless them. Of course, David has to make sure the red carpet is clean; I am very allergic to dust.”