Choices

Fatally deformed they tell me. Unsurvivable they say.

What do you want to do they ask?

I can barely listen, let alone reply. This child that I have wanted and loved, who I have grown inside of me for 7 months is now all of a sudden a fantasy. The life that we would have together has been ripped from me.

They tell me I have choices. But not really.

None of these choices are anything that I want to choose. Bring her to full term, birth her; watch her live a short, painful life or make the decision to stop it now, make it so she never is separated from my body living, never takes a breathe, never feels pain. I would never get to hold my child... I repeat that, let it sink in.

How can I choose?

What kind of choices are these?

Madeleine. That is her name. Will be her name, or was. It depends.

Do I get to grieve for her in the same way if I make the decision to end her life now. Will people allow me. It’ll be different, I will be seen differently. Murderer by some, a woman with questionable moral by others, someone who gives up. Either way, pitied and judged. Or is that my own judgement? Will I be seen for what I am, a grieving mother. Like I would be if Madeleine was born and suffered.

I have no choice.

Not really.