I start to open up... Then I shut down.

I overthink too much.

I assess situations, as if they were math problems.

An I am no good at math...

I start to open up....

Then I shut down.

They say I make them happy.

They make me happy...

More than they can even imagine.

I start to open up...

Then I shut down.

But this wasn’t in my plans.

I didn’t plan for this.

This just happened.

I tried hitting that off switch.

I went in there an killed it.

I was so close....

But, then...

There was a ticking.

A ticking, I’ve only slightly felt before.

I felt it enough to know what it meant.

That they were just like the last one.

They all start that ticking.

It’s a fucking ticking time bomb.

An if I don’t cut the wire now...

They will cut it for me.

Then I’ll be the one hurt.

I’ll be the one to clean up the mess.

They move on.

To the next one.

While I sit.

An try to put Humpty Dumpty,

Back the fuck together again.

“This one is different” I say.

Yea, they are different.

So I let them in.

Tick, tick, tick.

I open up...

That feeling is something I can’t explain.

I have only felt it a couple times.

I feel like that freshman,

That falls for a senior.

An doesn’t think about graduation.

Then I shut down.

What happens when you graduate?

What you gunna do?

Huh?

Leave me the fuck here?

All alone?

You got me thinkin about all this shit.

An what are you doin?

Just here for the ride?

Just here for the thrill of it?

You say your different.

I call bull shit.

This always happens.

You fuck with me an then leave me.

Just like the last one did....

I start to open up...

Then I shut down.

Hi, it’s me again...

Sorry about that.

I told you I’m confused.

You are amazing.

Thank you for sticking around with my bs.

I really enjoy this.

I just don’t know.

I guess I’m bad at being nice...

To the people I have feelings for.

I start to open up...

I know I have issues.

You don’t know the shit I’ve been through.

You don’t know the shit that that one.

One fucking person has put me though.

No it’s nothing like that.

It’s okay.

I’m okay.

Let’s just get on with it an be happy,

Okay?

“That sounds good to me.” You say.

You go back to being you.

You make me feel all so good.

You give me everythin’ I could ask for.

Your going down my list.

Checking the boxes,

Checking it twice.

Makin’ sure you didn’t miss anything.

Because you said I deserve it all.

You said I deserve it all...

That’s all I ever wanted.

You meet all the requirements.

You keep going.

Adding your flare.

Making my list yours now.

Something that I don’t share.

You cut that boundary,

Like you were meant to be there.

That’s how you roll.

How you carry yourself.

You start making up your own rules.

Giving me cute little notes.

Going further than planed.

I let it happen.

Do I let it continue?

Then I shut down.

I call up my main bitch.

She’s always there when I need her.

She tells me to come clean.

That she knows me.

She knows how fucked up I be.

She knows that I’m so fucking worried,

About what you’ll do to me.

Then she tells me,

“You can’t do this shit to him,

You should be worried.

About what you’ll do to him.

You’ve come to me about this a few times man.

I think this is it.

This is the time to cut it off

Tick tick tick.

You can’t let that time keep going.

Because in the end, you ain’t hurting yourself.

Your only hurting him.

Then you’ll be like the last bitch.

You ain’t that shit.

So stoping doing this shit to yourself,

But most of all.

Stop doing this shit to him.”

Then I shut down.

Okay man.

I can’t do this to you.

I got two people tellin’ me to do the right thing.

This is the right thing.

I need to make that tick tick stop.

I wanna reach over an comfort you.

I wanna reach over an hold you.

I wanna be there for you.

But that’s how it started last time.

That’s when we were going with it the wrong way.

Now I need to cut this shit out.

No matter how it makes me feel.

Because it ain’t a bout me right now.

It’s about you.

Your sweet,

Loving, an you gave me,

All the motherfuckin’ TLC.

All the shit I wanted,

In just a short amount of time.

You gave me all that.

An what have I given to you?

I gave you shit.

So I’m ending this.

Because you don’t deserve someone like this.

You deserve it all.

You deserve someone that can help you.

You deserve to be treated the way you treated me.

An I can’t give you that.

Because I’m broken.

You say that’s okay.

But no. It’s not.

I feel like shit, man.

I can’t bring you down with all of this.

You’re fucking sunshine.

You make people glow,

You make them happy,

You make people feel loved,

Wanted.

That’s all I wish for you.

But I ain’t that chick that can give it to you.

I wish I could.

This time I ain’t the one to explode.

You tell me I don’t need to explain it.

You tell me to quit it with the “buts”

Because that’s how it started again.

“I get it now,

I need to get that shit though my head,

This the third time.

Third time.

You told me this shit an I went for it again.

I get it.

You don’t need to explain.

I’m done now.

I’ll get over it.

Yea, I’m hurt.

I’ll be okay tomorrow.

I get it.

No need to fucking explain.

You know what.

It’s not like it would have worked before.

We’re different.

Our age gap would get in the way.

I got kids.

I’m not your type anyway....”

No need to explain.

Here I go explaining.

You get it now?

You see how my head works?

I act like I got my shit together.

When really I’m all broken inside.

I don’t know what I’m doing,

I need guidance.

But before that.

I need to get my shit together.

I let that bomb explode last night.

I cried last night.

I cried the second you turned your back on me.

That moment you walked to your car.

I’m unstable.

But hey at least you know now.

Can we start over?

Can I open up to you an not shut down?

When I mean start over...

I mean,

Hey, nice to meet you.

I’d like to be your friend.

Be there for you.

We’ll talk about our shit,

and get to know each other.

Just like friends do.

I ain’t gunna start that other shit again.

I did the right thing cutting it off.

Because I was only hurting you.

I promise I won’t do that to you again.

But I can’t say you don’t make me smile,

Because then I’d be lying to you.

An hey,

If shit happens way on in the future.

Then shit happens.

But let’s take right now.

Just to get to know each other.

Like any other friend would.

Because I want to open up to you.

An ask you how you been?

Hey.

....

.........

_________