Significant Unoriginality

“The Most Successful Book You Ever Read.”

That was the title. I recall seeing it on a display stand at the front window of a small decaying shop called Finders Keepers. The title was written in bold yellow letters that stretched across a plain light blue background color. The cover did not have the name of the author written on it, neither did it have an illustration that might have been a helpful depiction of what the author meant by the word, “Successful.”

That was the word that bothered me, anyway. I would not have been bothered by the unclever title if not for the difference of that one word. Words such as “ingenious” or “astonishing” would have suited the title better. By how much, I wasn’t certain. At least it would have made more sense than what I was looking at now.

Successful. You would think that word would be measured by its own popularity. It seemed to me that the word would have fit a commentary on the book a whole lot better than the title itself. When the book was written, did the author think that the book was going to be so popular that they felt it was safe to give it such a title?

“Maybe they predicted the future,” I thought to myself sarcastically.

I was about to continue strolling down the sidewalk before a precarious thought came to mind: did they?

It was a strange thought, I know. It may have been an idea that was significant to a conspiracy theorist at best. One could say that the book was a sign from some force or being from “beyond the cosmos.”

I looked around. Everyone that passed by me didn’t so much as glance at the book. They just continued along their way as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Which was true, for the most part. Why would anyone waste their time gawking at some book that had an unoriginal title? Still, I thought, since I seemed to be the only person taking any interest in it at all, was this book meant for me to find? Was there something trying to communicate with me?

Soon enough, I found myself leaving the store having spent five dollars and thirty cents with the book in hand. I sat on a nearby bench and opened up to the first page.

There was only a single paragraph written in ink on the page. I would have expected it to have been written in bold text, but I decidedly ignored it since I had already spent a good deal of time judging the abnormality of the title. I started to read.

“Dear unlikely reader,” it said, “I see that you have selected this book despite the discouragement of the unoriginal title. I can see that you were wise enough to consider the endless possibilities instead of ‘judging a book by its cover’, as the saying goes. For this reason, you are one of the most enlightened people that have ever existed. The reason why the title suggests that this book is successful, as you may have wondered, is because it is filled with with many of the greatest inventions and discoveries that you will soon see in the near future.

“To read about them, turn the page.”

I turned the page and continued to read. I was perplexed by the things to come among these pages. Inside, I learned of scientific creations such as interdimensional portals, and of the of the many strange behaviors of the diabetic wiener turtle. (Which, drawn on that page, showed an image that was a description of exactly what that sounded like).

Then I came to the second to last page.

“Now that you have traversed among these many pages, I must tell you something that you can make no mention to anyone. What I will tell you will go beyond the comprehension of anyone who has not already read the through this book. If you are willing to keep a secret, turn the page.”

I turned the page, and my heart sank as soon as I read the first sentence.

“You are literally among the many that procrastinate for a horrendous amount of time,” it said, “once you’re through reading, you will have spent an hour and thirty minutes on something that was conjured up purely for the fun thought that someone might actually buy the load of garbage that I put into this. A word of advice for you: if you want to be happy in life, don’t go trying to figure out the significance of a crappy title.

“P.S. You should have been tipped off by the diabetic wiener turtle.”

Immediately afterward, I pitched the book into a into a dumpster around the corner of the street and made my way home.