If Only I Could Take Your Place

If you’re reading this, that means that I am no longer with you. I really am sorry for leaving you behind. I know that you’re going to want to do this, so I tell you in advance: don’t blame yourself for anything that’s happened.

I’ve spent so many days and nights surrounded by people but feeling so alone, like I can’t seem to connect. I don’t know if something’s wrong with me, or I’m simply, I don’t know. A horrible person? I know I have to keep positive, and stay strong, if only for my little brother’s sake. But it’s draining me to keep going like this when I’m hiding what no one can know about. I am a selfless person, so I hate thinking this way, I know I should be thinking only of others’ needs and wants and try to serve them to the best of my ability. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder can’t anybody hear me? Can’t anybody see me? Will anybody watch me? Is someone gonna stop me? I know it could be my last mistake... but despite my achievements and and goals... I’m just defeated. I’ve fought my way out of this struggle alone before, but I’m so so afraid that I’m not going to be able to do it again... and yet I’m not afraid. I’m ready to be taken at any time. Everyone says it’ll stop eventually, and that’s what I tell them because I’m trying so hard to believe... but I’ve lost a vital piece of me and I start to think I’m beyond recovery. They say if you look in the mirror you see things clearer... and I want to believe that, but I can’t even look in the mirror. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I’m so sorry for everything.

It’s just that even though I collected my wood for a strong fire, all I got w as singed hands. Now my fire is out. It was my time to leave the city. It was for a while that I knew my time was almost over. I know that to stay alive I had to kill my mind. That has never been more true. But I just can’t anymore; the lion has devoured me.

The only thing you’ve made my life is better. And before you say that you made my death, think again! If you can, look out a window. If not, go outside. See that light? It’s always there, in one way or another. The sun’s light lasts for a day, but the moon reflects the sun’s light. Even when the sun is not visible, it’s effects are seen on the moon, proving that it is still there even when it is out of sight. Think of my departure like that. I hope that my effects can be seen on the moon, so to speak. I have this quote I like. It was written on a wall in a Nazi concentration camp. “I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, I believe in love even when I cannot feel it, I believe in God even when He is silent.” Unlike what my history teacher told me, the light at the end of the tunnel is not the train coming to hit you. There truly is hope in the darkest places and times. I do understand that the sun is not shining though. These things do take a small degree of faith, but then again, do not many ventures in life take a step of faith?

I was really hoping to go to college with you and plan our future together. I’m sorry that had to be cut short. Please be sure to tell my family I love them, and give your mom a hug for me, okay? If there is anything that I have done to hurt you, I am apologizing now for my offenses and the fact that I will never be able to make up for them. One thing I hate is that I have no way of knowing if I left behind anything of lasting importance in this world; if I have a legacy that will live on and affect people several generations beyond me. I desperately hope I do, for if I do not, then there is no reason for me to even be here anyway. That would mean that I truly am a mistake or fate of circumstance.

I had planned so much to give to this world, but it appears that I will be unable to. Will you carry on my gift for me?

All I wish is to be worth my while. I feel like the greatest failure since I am unable to achieve my goal. Smile at your soon-to-be colleagues, make friends, enjoy your life! And listen to all of the new music Twenty One Pilots creates for me! I don’t believe in following your dreams, but Jinxx explained my thoughts exactly: “Dreams come true to those who dare dream and make them a reality.” So pursue your goals, but don’t make dream chasing your primary goal. Through hard work and diligence, you can make your dreams a reality.

Jin… I have one more thing to ask you. I miss you already. Do you promise… to let me stay with you, in your heart? If you keep me close, I’ll never truly be gone. That said, I do encourage you to make room for others in your heart, but please, remember me. I love you, and will miss you so, so much! I hope that I will see you again later in another time and place.

Forever yours,

Ryo