To The One Who Escaped

Dear ,

I haven’t spoken that name in years and it still makes my heart stop. The most painful part of my situation is that I don’t think you’ll ever truly realize what or how I feel about you. The thought of sending these thoughts to you absolutely terrifies me and I am filled with regret with every single touch of the keyboard. Every word, every single letter is an embarrassing dramatization of my thoughts and you truly do not deserve to be harassed by the uncontrolled and frankly, inadequate words of one who has rightfully removed himself from your life a long time ago.

But to this day, from the moment I saw you. I have never, never in my life, seen a woman, a human, an entity who has filled me with such awe as your presence. If I happen to so much as catch a glimpse of your face on social media, hear your name, or think of something you said… I’m forced to stop in my tracks and remember that I once held divinity in my arms.

It’s a painful thing to know that you will never reach heaven. It’s far more painful to have held heaven in your grasp and watch yourself push it away.

I will never forgive myself for the last time I held you when I didn’t hold on for a second longer. I will never forgive myself for the last time I talked to you, and I didn’t find any excuse to drag on the conversation for another moment. I will never forgive myself for the last time I looked at your face, and I didn’t soak in every last detail of your beauty.

I’ve known so much pain already in this short life. And none of it was as sharp as the pain of your absence. I’ve known so many terrible people already in my limited experience, and every one of them is far worse when I compare them to you. I’ve been to so many low points in my life it often feels like my life is meant to stay there, but no point has ever been lower than that point at which you left.

But what hurts the most. What keeps me awake at night. What I think about as I ingest those sleeping pills and alcohol in order to access that blessed numbness. What pains me to my soul, every waking moment, and subconscious moment of everyday, is that you have no idea. You have no idea what you mean to me. You have no clue of the spell you put me under. And the curse that has been mine to carry ever since you left. You will never know how I cry for you from the depths of my heart. You will never know how I search for you in my dreams. And we will never know what could have been.