s o u r / b l u e be r r i e s

dear ex,

i know you don't care, but it hurts to call you that. it slits my throat, blood d r i p p i n g down my chin as the one -syllable word forces its arrival. i contort to the pain; i convulse to sight of blueberries at the store because they were your favorite. i was your favorite. what happened to that? fall-

ing

was never my thing but you made me trip over the cracks slip between the rocks

of your abusive behavior, blaming me for everything but you had me so captivated

by your mystical eyes your enigmatic love your complicated history that i tripped & slipped over it all and before i realized it i was fall-

ing

in love with someone who refused to kiss me because i didn't say yes to sex one night

in love with someone who forgot to love me because he was busy loving someone else

i fell in love with someone who treated me like i didn't matter even though he knew

that i already feel like i don't matter and all i wanted one day was a hug but i guess

you were too busy to love me i guess i wasn't worth your love i guess i'm not worth love

but i know that's not true because i know i deserve the sun&moon

you gave me the sun but forgot that it was burning me

you gave me the moon but forgot that it was blinding me

i don't know why i make excuses for you still like when i saw you kiss her

i just said "he must be drunk" as if that's a reason for your lips to be on anybody's

but mine i don't like being your ex because it reminds me that once i was your love

once i was your everything until you decided i wasn't worth it anymore

until you concluded i was only worth a sorry love of lies

i don't like being your ex because god,

i still miss you.

you burnt me and you blinded me and you hurt me. but i miss you because i hoped (hope) you would change maybe i would be worth that.

but clearly i was worth less than five-dollar blueberries because i still see you buy them in the store with a smile as if i wasn't the person who told you to try them.